DIABOLIC DYSENTERY – SPREADING THE ‘GOOD NEWS’

Wow. Was looking up some biblical references for flatulence in the bible (was going for the lowbrow shot this time), came across this intensely hysterical website:

http://www.jesus21.com/writers/looper/struggle.html

E. Dwayne Looper should have his/her last name changed to ‘Loopy’. Credentials are as follows: ‘E. Dwayne Looper is widely considered to be the leading Christian demonologist in Canada. Residing in the town of Moosejaw, Saskatchewan, Brother Looper leads a dynamic ministry of deliverance in the frosty climes of the frozen north. Educated at Christchurch University, Cambridge, The Reverend Looper earned his Doctor of Divinity degree in 1982.)’
Does he perform at children’s birthday parties too? What a clown. Get a bleeding hobby, will ya, Rev?

“There are many ways in which one can maintain an optimum, effective witness for Christ Jesus. Saying no, when invited to "play" with the Ouija board while at work; refusing to kill another person, even if they are an abortionist; placing Bible tracts in public places, such as Laundromats, malls, restrooms, and government offices.”

Can you say ‘whacko’, boys & girls? Someone please, PLEASE tell me this cat’s on medication. He must be: I’m only going to quote the wilder parts of this scatological sermon, because, well, it’s just TOO funny.

“We take in God through our mouths, and expel the Serpent through our bowels. You see, food is a type of Christ, while bodily waste, or fecal matter, is a type of Satan. This is why we bless our food, and flush our waste down into the underworld. And just as we spend time in properly preparing our food, that we may receive God's blessing through it, so too must we prepare our colons to be properly flushed of the feces Satan would have become impacted, robbing us of our colon's ability to absorb important vitamin and nutrients and hence, the natural vitality, clean mind, and fresh skin we need to bring Christ to others: A constipated Christian simply cannot be an effective witness for Christ!”

I looked all over for some ad declaring that the reader could get ‘Colonal Irrigation’. Seriously! I mean, he dispenses advice like a deranged Dear Abbey (pun intended), ya think he might actually direct someone SOMEWHERE for a Sacred Suppository. That comes later.
“Flatulence is yet another gastrointestinal weapon Satan uses to damage the witness of the effective Christian.”

He who farts in church, sits in pew? (wild laughter).

“I remember when I was a young minister, Satan would often attack me with great bouts of flatulence as I was about to mount the podium to deliver God's inspired word.”

Ummm…try laying off the red-hot Chili, Rev.

“The snickering in the congregation often grew to such raucous heights as to drown out the Word. The attacks would continue as I attempted to stand at the door of the sanctuary after service to bid farewell to the parishioners. And as I was about to shake a hand, or hug a child, a great flatus would erupt and spew forth the noxious odor residing in my bowels.”

So it’s the DEVIL’S fault, you don’t have enough sense to lay off the bean & cheese burritos at whatever passes for 7-11 in Canada?

“And sweet Jesus, the odor: It carried with it the sulfurous emissions of Hell itself.”

Wonder what his dating life was like?

“That sulfuric odor emanating from deep within me was really my first clue that its origins were not simply from cabbage, but rather from Hell. It was then that I undertook to study my bowels and to control my eating habits in such a way as not to allow Satan to use the rotting foods within me to contaminate the work Christ was trying to do in, and through, me.”

Gee, that doesn’t sound delusional to me in the least. Would be a great headline in the Enquirer.

“The Fall is dramatized in the human digestive process.”

So now we’re a microcosm of the Divine Plan, via our digestive juices?

“We take in the good food of the Garden with our mouths, but then our evil physical bodies of lust turn it into putrid stool, rather than the Shekinah glory which followed the Children of Israel in the Wilderness. I therefore urge you in this final year before the millennium to take control of your colon even as Christ has taken control of your spirit.”

Praise the Lord, pass the Ammo! Oh, & that’s how dated this article is. I wonder how he and his followers rose to heaven? Bourne by the sweet smell of satiny billows of aromatic, blessed broken wind.

“The best way to do this is with my patented Looper Gospeltories, which are small waxy vessels containing the purest olive oil the Holy Land can offer. As you kneel in a semi-squat position in the privacy of your prayer closet, you simply insert a Looper Gospeltory into the gritty recess of your backside. Once inside, the gentle olive oil loosens, cleanses, and frees your colon of the layers of encrusted demonic residue. And best of all, Looper Gospeltories make great gifts, for what better says "I love you" than the gift of a clean colon? The Looper Gospeltories come twelve to a box for only $8.95. Please feel free to order by e-mail through this website.”

Because a clean colon is a Christian colon! Lube ‘em up baby, we’re going to Heaven! I mean, the IMAGERY this nonsense invokes, well, hey, it’s WAY better than what I was GOING to post.

I’d email him, and tell him to shove it where the sun don’t shine, but he’s already done that.

Read. Enjoy. I really do wish I’d made this up. But it’s apparently for real. Knock yourself out, troops.