left biblioblography: Moronology
Showing posts with label Moronology. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Moronology. Show all posts

Saturday, February 15, 2014

Allegories Gone Wild: A War On Tugs, Or A Tug Of War?

Cross posted @ the Atheist Oasis

masturbation8

Then Judah said to Onan, “Sleep with your brother’s wife and fulfill your duty to her as a brother-in-law to raise up offspring for your brother.” 9 But Onan knew that the child would not be his; so whenever he slept with his brother’s wife, he spilled his semen on the ground to keep from providing offspring for his brother. 10 What he did was wicked in the Lord’s sight; so the Lord put him to death also. – Genesis, Chapter 38

But Rosie, you're all right
(You wear my ring)
When you hold me tight
(Rosie, that's my thing)
When you turn out the light
(I got to hand it to me)
Looks like it's me and you again tonight, Rosie – Jackson Browne, Rosie

Courtesy of the Atheist Republic:

Mormons Release Video Declaring War on Masturbation

 

It’s time to cry havoc, and let slip the floggers of war. (oh…all right. Not very good. Trot out your own damned euphemisms then.)

It seems as if the Mormon church is trying to get a handle on this ‘problem’. But hey, wait: how is it a problem? It isn’t. It’s a normal, natural step for people to understand  their own sexuality. In fact, most professionals say that it’s actually quite healthy (unless of course, the practice interferes with relationships, work, or general intercourse with other people).

So why do these wearers-of-holy-underwear, these baptizers-of-the-dead, these polygamous sanctimonious purveyors of a hat-born religion give a rat’s ass in a whirlwind what anyone does with their privates in private? That’s right – because old Scratch is giving us all hand-jobs to lure us away from Jebus.

All because some nitwit in the lying bible made up a story about sperm landing in the dirt.

Ridiculous.

Till the next post, then.

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Sunday, March 10, 2013

Mormons And The Racist Mentality

Cross posted @ the Atheist Oasis
Various-stages-of-accepting-Mormon-JesusOf the top twenty craziest bullshit religions, the Church Of Latter Day Saints has got to be in at least the top ten. They wear holy underwear: they baptize the dead; they think that each and every one of them is going to inherit their very own planet and become some sort of deity (of course none of them ever inquire whose deity they’re going to be. That’s rather implied, right?).

One of the more loathsome anachronisms that religion has perpetrated, is the lie of racial inequality. In the Western world, this concept of a ‘holy race’ can be traced directly to the ancient Israelites and their penchant for narcissistic self-loathing. The ‘mark of Cain’ has directly contributed more to racism than any other Occidental ideology to date.

And of course, the top craziest of the crazy cults that old whore Christianity has spewed out into our world, Mormonism, was right up there throwing gasoline on the brushfire of xenophobia:

Mormons can finally say 'we got it wrong' over black priest ban

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints announced the publication of a new edition of the scriptures on 1 March. What matters here are the changes made to several headings introducing the text. The changes to Official Declaration 2 – the section lifting the priesthood ban for black men – have implications that are staggering.

Chapter headings are considered to be a study guide rather than sacred, canonised text, so there are no concerns about alterations changing holy writ. But included alongside the scriptures and produced by the leaders of the church, they still carry the unmistakable imprimatur of authority. Many of these changed chapter headings, a side-by-side comparison of which can be seen here, bring the historical context included more in line with current understanding of questions such as where Joseph Smith, founder of the Latter Day Saint movement, lived when he wrote one section or another, or the year certain revelations were received.

What is extraordinary is the admission that in the earliest days of the church, black men were ordained to the priesthood just as white men were. Elijah Abel, a black man, even served in some of the highest governing bodies of the church. Over the years that practice not only ceased, but the history of it was largely forgotten. It wasn't until 1978 that black men were again allowed to receive the priesthood and black women were allowed to attend the temple. Most members were unaware that there was ever a time when black people were allowed equal participation in the gospel. Trying to explain or defend the racist practice introduced toxic folk doctrines that perpetuated racism into our present day, more than 30 years after the ban was lifted. Even the recent Broadway musical Book of Mormon alludes to this with the statement that "In 1978 God changed his mind about black people"."

Oh really?

Some famous commentary from a historically famous Mormon, old ‘Brigand’ Young:

"You see some classes of the human family that are black, uncouth, uncomely, disagreeable and low in their habits, wild, and seemingly deprived of nearly all the blessings of the intelligence that is generally bestowed upon mankind....Cain slew his brother.  Cain might have been killed, and that would have put a termination to that line of human beings.  This was not to be, and the Lord put a  mark upon him, which is the flat nose and black skin." (Journal of Discourses, vol. 7, p. 290).
"In our first settlement in Missouri, it was said by our enemies that we intended to tamper with the slaves, not that we had any idea of the kind, for such a thing never entered our minds. We knew that the children of Ham were to be the "servant of servants," and no power under heaven could hinder it, so long as the Lord would permit them to welter under the curse and those were known to be our religious views concerning them." (Journal of Discourses, vol. 2, p. 172).
"Shall I tell you the law of God in regard to the African race? If the white man who belongs to the chosen seed mixes his blood with the seed of Cain, the penalty, under the law of God, is death on the spot. This will always be so." (Journal of Discourses, vol. 10, p. 110).

There’s plenty more to back that up, here.

The truth of the matter isn’t that their religion is better or worse than others (they’re all bad) – it’s that religious leaders take advantage of their cultic status to pass along their own ignorant opinions, and this just ends up polluting the meme stream.

When religion is laid to its final dusty rest, we will al be the better for it – it perpetuates ignorance and rewards stubborn stupidity.

And just like all the other crazies, these nut jobs make me tres nervous.

Till the next post, then.

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Saturday, April 02, 2011

Beck And His Bad News Bears–Bearing Tidings Of Byzantine Baroque Grotesqueries

Cross posted @ the Atheist Oasis

NewAmericanJesusAs artistic styles go, Baroque is kinda cool. But as a mentality, it pretty much divvies up control centers of the brain in a unique and brutal fashion. Often, there’s just no sense to be had.

Witness:

The Bizarre Religious Myths Mormon Right-Wingers Are Pushing on Tea Partiers -- With Glenn Beck's Help

With the rise of the right, the National Center for Constitutional Studies' bizarre version of U.S. history is gaining adherents. 

FAIRMONT, W. Va. — One fine Saturday morning last year, around 60 mostly middle-aged conservatives trickled onto the otherwise deserted campus of Fairmont State University. Clutching notebooks and coffee cups, they looked like groggy Continuing Ed students as they took seats in a modern lecture hall on the ground floor of the school's engineering building. In a sense, they were Continuing Ed students. The room had been booked months in advance for a one-day, intro-level history and civics seminar entitled, "The Making of America."

Do you sniff the encroaching idiocy?

But this was no ordinary summer school. Randall McNeely, the seminar's kindly, awkward, and heavy-set instructor, held no advanced degree and made no claims to being a scholar of any kind. He was, rather, a product of rote training in a religious and apocalyptic interpretation of American history that has roots in the racist right of the last century. His students for the day had learned about the class not in the Fairmont State summer catalog, but from the website of an obscure nonprofit run by fringe Mormons. Founded as the Freeman Institute in Provo, Utah, in 1971, the outfit now goes by the name National Center for Constitutional Studies (NCSS), and works out of a remote farmhouse in Malta, Idaho (population 177).

Remember that name: the NCSS. This is the enemy.

This humble base of operations, however, constrains neither the outfit's national ambitions nor its missionary zeal. The NCCS has been touring the country and propagating its ultraconservative Mormon message for nearly four decades. Yet its message has never been in greater demand than in 2010. Since the rise of the Tea Party circuit, the all-volunteer NCCS has experienced exploding interest from Tea Party-affiliated groups such as the 9.12 Project and the Tea Party Patriots. On any given Saturday, several of nearly 20 "Making of America" lecturers are giving seminars across the country in spaces like the rented classroom in Fairmont, with $10 tickets and NCCS book sales paying for their travel and expenses.

So some religious nobody is charging money for nothing. (Dire Straits reference there)

Along with a busier schedule, the NCCS also has a growing list of allies. In the media, it has found a powerful voice in the form of Fox News' Glenn Beck, who is a Mormon himself and has used his pulpit to advocate for NCCS books and ideas. Through Beck's sustained and energetic advocacy, once-forgotten NCCS tracts of Mormon-flavored pseudo-history such as The 5,000 Year Leap have become unlikely online bestsellers. As a result, traveling volunteer NCCS lecturers like McNeely today have no shortage of students eager to learn his version of "truth."

If you want the crazy at your beck and call, just call Beck.

"In our time together, we're going to learn the truth about American history and what our government is supposed to do—and not do," said McNeely, after opening the August seminar in Fairmont with a Christian prayer and a patriotic song of his own authorship. "We're going to learn sound principles. Once we have possession of these sound principles, we can solve nearly every problem in America, the way the Founders would have liked."

Starting a ‘seminar’ with a prayer? A Christian prayer no less? Odds are, the demographics of his ‘students’ are an easy guess.

As the morning progressed, it became clear that the NCCS worldview and program were based on three major pillars: understanding the divine guidance that has allowed the United States to thrive; rejecting the tyrannical, implicitly sinful, nature of the modern federal government; and preparing for a divine reckoning that will bring down America's government and possibly tear society as we know it asunder, thus allowing those with sound principles — i.e., godly NCCS graduates — to rebuild the republic along "sounder," more pious lines.

The Christlation is as follows: we want it, we want it our way, and we want it on specific terms with a past that never really was all they were told it is.

America's return to extremely limited government, as they think God intended, is destined to happen, NCCS lecturers teach, because God has already shown an interventionist role in American history. According to the NCCS, the founding of the United States was nothing short of a "miracle" in the literal sense of the word. God is watching, in other words, and he is not happy. Teaching out of the seminar's 131-page illustrated workbook, McNeely argued that the current federal government is guilty of a "usurpation of power." It is, therefore, illegitimate, though McNeely never actually uttered that word. Governmental powers should be used sparingly, he explained, limited largely to the common defense and the elimination of "debauchery and vice."

Oh wow holy crap – what?!?!? Note that there’s no examples whatsoever. Presupposition spiraling out of control.

In some ways, the NCCS worldview can sound remarkably similar to that of antigovernment "Patriots," whose movement has exploded in the last two years.

Yeah, right after a black man with a suspiciously Arabic-sounding name got elected? How much you wanna bet that has a pivotal role? You’d win that bet. The list of ‘patriots’ is a scary one.

So it's not much of a surprise that it has found a number of new organizational allies among "Constitutionalist" groups such as the conspiracy-obsessed John Birch Society, the ultraconservative "pro-family" group Eagle Forum, and the Oath Keepers, a group of ex-police and military personnel who publicly promise to resist orders if they find those orders at odds with their understanding of the Constitution.

That last group has ties with Ron Paul, who is pretty much a crazy religious conservative, whose few good ideas are outweighed by all the bad ones. The Birchers, if you recall, insisted the entire Civil Rights movement was invented wholesale via communist conspirators, and Eagle Forum has Phyllis Schafly as a prominent member, which should be all the info you really need.

At the 2010 National Liberty Unity Summit, a powwow of far-right groups, NCCS president Earl Taylor delivered the keynote address following speeches by leading Oath Keepers Richard Mack and Guy Cunningham.

But mostly, the NCCS focuses on its seminars. And business has never been better.

"We're trying to flood the nation," NCCS president Taylor told The Washington Post in June. "And it's happening."

Yeah Taylor, but sewage has its place elsewhere.

And here’s a particularly (un)attractive example of who we’re looking at here:

Communists, Capitalists and Jews
Students of the American far right may not recognize the anodyne-sounding NCCS, but they no doubt know the name of its founder, the late W. Cleon Skousen. By the time Skousen founded The Freeman Institute in 1971 (the name was changed to NCCS in 1984), the bespectacled former police chief had become a minor legend in the annals of right-wing radicalism. Throughout the late 1950s and 60s, following 11 years of mostly administrative work in the FBI, Skousen toured the country whipping up anti-communist (and anti-civil rights) hysteria under the banner of the John Birch Society. Among the stories in Skousen's fantastical arsenal was the claim that New Dealer Harry Hopkins gave the Soviets "50 suitcases" worth of information on the Manhattan Project and nearly half of the nation's supply of enriched uranium. When the John Birch Society came under attack for its founder's claim that Dwight Eisenhower was a communist agent, Skousen wrote a pamphlet titled The Communist Attack on the John Birch Society.

They even went so far as to accuse the current President? Wow, and I thought that was a 21st century phenomenon.

In the 1970s, he penned an influential tract of New World Order conspiracism, The Naked Capitalist, which described a cabal of scheming, internationalist-minded bankers and government officials set on destroying the Constitution by manipulating left and liberal groups around the world. The purpose of liberal internationalist groups such as the Council on Foreign Relations, Skousen believed, is to push "U.S. foreign policy toward the establishment of a world-wide collectivist society."

This is…eerily familiar, is it not? And the bleat goes on…

Among the sources Skousen cited to substantiate this claim was is a former czarist army officer named Arsene de Goulevitch, whose own sources included Boris Brasol, a White Russian émigré who provided Henry Ford with the first English translation of the Jew-bashing classic, Protocols of the Elders of Zion, and later became a supporter of Nazi Germany.

The controversy that surrounded Skousen's growing public profile in the 1960s and early 70s caused a debate within the Mormon Church leadership. For many church leaders, Skousen was bringing unwanted attention to the institution, which until then had generally eschewed involvement in politics. But Skousen also had allies in high places. The strongest and most loyal of them was Ezra Taft Benson, a Mormon Apostle and future church president.

So even among the crazies, there are people that make them uneasy.

As with Skousen, Benson remains an icon among many ultraconservative Mormons, and his name is routinely invoked during NCCS lectures. The flyer for the NCCS seminar in Fairmont prominently displayed, as do so many materials produced by the NCCS, a Benson quote: "The Greatest Watchdog of our Freedom is an informed electorate." But Benson had a decidedly illiberal understanding of just what an informed electorate should believe. Benson read America's history (and future) through a looking glass of apocalyptic Mormon theology and folklore. He believed that the Constitution would one day "hang from a thread," at which time Mormons would assume leadership of the nation and rescue it from certain and irrevocable disaster. (These ideas are not part of official Mormon Church doctrine.)

(Dontcha just love apologetic disclaimers? I don’t. People should take ownership.) And as crackers go, Bensen was full on Nabisco…

Benson was also an advocate for Bircher-style conspiracy theories. Throughout the 1960s and 1970s, he saw the hand of communism in every social welfare policy and fought them as both immoral and unconstitutional. A rabid foe of the civil rights movement, Benson in 1971 allowed one of his anti-civil rights talks to be reprinted as the introduction to a book of race hate called Black Hammer: A Study of Black Power, Red Influence, and White Alternatives. The book's cover featured the severed, bloody head of an African American. By the end of the decade, his politics had taken a similar turn to that of his friend Skousen. During a 1972 general conference of the Church of Latter-day Saints, Benson recommended all Mormons read Gary Allen's New World Order tract None Dare Call it A Conspiracy.

Here’s a guy I would trust as far as I could sling a piano, dictating a vast array of xenophobia and subjective personal biases to a bunch of folk who are already half-way nuts. Oh joy, what a recipe for rancor.

For the sake of brevity, I’m skipping ahead:

Glenn Beck and the Apocalypse
Defenders of the NCCS argue that the outfit, run by the grandfatherly Taylor, is merely teaching good old-fashioned civics to interested Americans. But while there is a large amount of straight, accurate history included in "Making of America" seminars, the lessons are about much more than just the Constitution. The organization's larger mission is to crudely propagandize against America's secular foundations and sow doubt over the legitimacy of the modern welfare and regulatory state, using a textbook written by a notorious conspiracist who adhered to apocalyptic folklore. And like Skousen, current NCCS lecturers believe that time is quickly running out.

Yeah, I’ve met that kind of ‘grandfatherly’ conservative before. I will always  maintain, that conservative is politicalese for coward, grasping at the status quo with tremulous hands.

There is a dark, often unspoken, subtext to the NCCS's crusade to promote the "sound principles" of proper Constitutional government. That subtext is a belief in the imminent collapse of civilization. This collapse is interwoven in the bombastic teachings of NCCS friend and ally Glenn Beck, whose Doomsday-drenched shows are profitably promoted by fear-mongering purveyors of everything from gold bullion to "crisis gardens" and emergency radios. The NCCS has done much to encourage and spread a deeply apocalyptic worldview among far-right Mormons, of whom Beck is only the most famous.

Oh great. More End Timers. Why do so many people want it to be over already? Is life that awful, simply because it doesn’t tailor itself to our desires?

The NCCS views its education crusade as crucial for rebuilding America after a coming cataclysm; thus, "The Making of America" is best seen as a God-centric civics class for the bomb shelter. Speaking last year in Mesa, Ariz., Taylor spoke cryptically of the need for "the Good Lord's help" to take America "into a much better phase of existence lasting for a thousand years."

I could easily extrapolate on that – and be about 80 percent right at the very least. But it really boils down to “the bible says so.” Which is all the feeble-minded really need.

Taylor's remarks only make sense in the context of a cleansing, holy wrath, after which will emerge pure Constitutional defenders ready to build a new society on the ashes of the old.

I find comic books and movies like that to be wildly entertaining, but as a rule, not even close to reality.

"When the time comes, when the people who are in power for the power and the glory, and there is no more power and glory left, they'll probably be looking around asking, ‘Can anybody help?' And you'll say, ‘Yeah, I've got some ideas. Come on over and eat a little something.' Because there probably won't be much food anyway, but if you're wise, you'll have some."

At this depressing image of future Constitutional scholars discussing the evils of the income tax and battling "debauchery" amid the scarred ruins of a post-Apocalyptic America, Taylor brightens up.

"We're gonna win this thing," he said. "I've read the last chapter, like you have, and in the end, we're gonna win this thing."

Oh great. Another religious dork envisioning himself as a haloed Mad Max, with crucifixes for armor. Why do these people suffer so from arrested adolescence? Sadly, data indicates this is a global phenomenon, and not localized to the US. It would be nice if folks weren’t so gullible. So the few of us that aren’t, have to address these issues. So, do you what you have to do, to obstruct the NCCS. Oh, and denounce Beck at every opportunity.

Till the next post, then.

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Saturday, December 25, 2010

Everyone Has Problems– And Religion Fixes Them How Exactly?

Cross posted @ the Atheist Oasiswhatcrazychristiansattend

I stumbled across an article that tries to approach the concept of who is and who isn’t bonkers when it comes to religion. The qualifying word in that last sentence is “tries”.

Line between divine inspiration and religious insanity is a narrow one

(I’d substitute ‘nothing’ for ‘a narrow one’, but maybe that’s just me.)

(RNS) A teenager says God and Jesus appeared to him in a grove and told him to start a new Christian church. Another person claims the Almighty talks to him through the radio.

A French girl gets messages from heaven to lead an army against the British, while a Utah woman thinks she is meant to have Jesus’ baby and 12 husbands.

Some of these figures were considered prophets and saints, while others were judged insane. The question is: How do you tell which is which?

Nobody upstairs, so you tell me.

Brian David Mitchell, convicted Friday (Dec. 10) of kidnapping and raping Elizabeth Smart, insisted that God gave him license to do so, though his attorneys argued he was mentally ill.

Ah, the old ‘Sacred Cow’ argument. Who’s up for steaks?

The main difference between a prophet and a psychopath, says Ralph Hood, who teaches psychology of religion at the University of Tennessee in Chattanooga, is “whether or not (they) can get followers.”

Mr. Hood is obviously talking out his ass. Jamestown? Charlie Manson? Adolph Hitler? Hello?

Historic figures who started new religious movements—including Martin Luther (the Reformation), Joseph Smith (Mormonism), Mary Baker Eddy (Christian Science), Ellen White (Seventh-day Adventism), Jim Jones (People’s Temple) and David Koresh (Branch Davidians)—were viewed by outsiders as delusional.

Gee, why ever would that be?

But followers, ranging from the millions to the hundreds, found each of them to be credible guides to divinity.

Argument from numbers? How is it anyone takes this as a credible argument?

“There is ample research to suggest that, for the most part, religious people are no more inclined to mental illness than nonreligious people,” says Wendy Ulrich, a Mormon and founder of Sixteen Stones Center for Growth, a small group of mental-health professionals, in Alpine, Utah.

There’s ample evidence that everyone’s a little bit crazy, too. And I’d not trust a religious opinion about that, because it implies a confirmation bias.

The pathology arises, Ulrich says, when a person’s search for meaning “goes into extreme overdrive” and people “lose touch with vital aspects of reality.”

I’d say the pathology lies with some chemical imbalance.

From the start, psychologists must weigh a person’s religious and cultural expectations. The more important faith is, the more prominent a role religious language will play in a person’s mental process.

Which translates to a distinct lack of critical thought.

Maybe the person is speaking in tongues, communing with the dead, sensing the presence of a guardian angel or getting messages from milk cartons.

There’s no ‘maybe’ involved: these are all signs of mental imbalance, and should be treated as such.

So the first question becomes: Does the experience fit with some religious tradition that is dominant in a culture? Does it make sense to a particular faith community, or is it out of the norm? Is it consistent with the faith’s scripture, practices and beliefs or does it challenge them?

This all presupposes so many underlying concepts, such as assuming that if it’s a society that endorses it, then it’s normal, or that it isn’t right to challenge some faith’s issues.

As a clinical psychologist, Brent Slife might bring in a pastor or priest to help answer that question.

Which makes his credits questionable.

“I would want to know how contextually appropriate their behavior or the things they are espousing are,” says Slife, a Protestant who teaches at Brigham Young University. “Are they able to adapt to different contexts?”

Ach, and again, the confirmation bias.

Unbalanced people may repeatedly quote scriptures or obsessively perform rituals or adopt a grander, more spiritual identity such as King David, Moses, Muhammad or Jesus.

Having seen a huge amount of these behaviors from religious bloggers online, I’d say that they hide it well in real life.

“If the pope says he’s the Vicar of Christ, that’s OK because it fits with a centuries-old tradition,” Hood says. “If I think I am, I’m in trouble.”

Ummm…or the pope’s a crazy loon too?

There are at least two common ways in which mental patients describe their delusional experiences with God, Ulrich says. Schizophrenics hear voices or see things that are not there. Those suffering from paranoia, meanwhile, see conspiracy in everyday events or think God is speaking specially to them.

These behaviors are ubiquitous, but Ulrich makes them sound isolated and extreme.

“They over-interpret common experiences to mean either someone is out to get them or God is out to help them,” Ulrich says. “Ideas of grandiosity and thinking of themselves as special or chosen in some way are not uncommon.”

Again, ubiquitous to the point of embarrassing.

But it never is easy to assess the authenticity of another person’s spiritual experience.

That’s assuming there’s any such thing.

Ulrich has known people whose behavior could be inspiring or could signal a muddled mind. Many of them take part in church services without fellow believers even being aware.

Well, it gets glossed over quite easily.

She has known some religious folks who are unusually clairvoyant, with a penchant for and openness to revelatory experiences. They largely are calm, highly functioning, rational people, who are socially engaged but don’t call attention to themselves.

There’s no such thing as a clairvoyant. Just folks who have a finely honed penchant for reading social cues.

“They pretty much play by the rules of society and don’t think of themselves as special,” she says. “They know their `gifts’ are not always believed in or valued, so they have a sense of humor about them.”

Of course, no name-dropping.

She’s also seen people who are “very high-functioning in some areas of life and can be quite charismatic, intelligent and charming,” but they begin to “over-interpret impressions or events as messages from God in ways that make other people nervous, even people within their own value system or religious system.”

The internet abounds with such nonsense, so I leave it to the readers to supply them.

Such people think the “rules” of the community don’t apply to them and may start to feel that others are out to get them, she says, and they don’t understand why.

Disconnect with reality much?

If you ask a religious person how God communicates, she might say through impressions or a kind of whispering. But if you ask a mentally ill person that question, he might say, “I shook hands with him yesterday.”

All of these are signs of mental illness. The next sentence is classic:

Studies show that reasoning with schizophrenic patients about God never works, Measom says. They cannot be convinced of any other interpretation. It’s a matter, he says, of core beliefs and brain chemistry.

Measom obviously doesn’t surf the web much.

For a believer such as the Rev. Gregory Johnson, the line between genuine religious experience and madness sometimes is blurred.

The boundaries of sanity aren’t up for debate. They’re not ‘re-interpreted’ to suit the many or the one. There is no such thing as a ‘genuine religious experience’, just heightened alterations of brain patterns.

Johnson, who directs Standing Together, a Utah group of evangelical pastors, is not a charismatic Christian, so he doesn’t speak in tongues or engage in the more ecstatic practices. But he does believe God heals, speaks and leads.

But he’s sane, how?

“I see a range of healthiness and levels of extremity within the confines (of Christianity),” he said. “I see people who are zealous but not insane.”

Well, if he’d read this article with a discerning eye, he’d seen that just about all the religious folks that anyone anywhere knows fits into the multiple patterns already mentioned.

One of the tests, Johnson says, might be the “fruits” or outcomes of the divine communication. Does the experience lead a person into more altruistic actions, greater caring for others and deeper relations, or does it simply draw the recipient further into narcissism?

It’s easily demonstrated: people need to feel good about what they do, so they invent excuses to do so, and ‘religious experiences’ are as a rule, an excuse. It’s all narcissism.

As a pastor, Johnson says, he would worry about actions that are “destructive to other people or to themselves.”

Hey, isn’t that the yardstick by which we measure crazy anyways? There’s benign crazy, and there’s malign crazy, and the latter is always scary.

Mormons are urged to seek and receive God’s guidance for themselves and their families. But only the church’s “prophet, seer and revelator” can receive messages for the whole faith and the world. Such institutional controls may inhibit individual experiences, but they do prevent mentally ill members from distracting or confusing the faithful.

Again with the Mormons? Among the top ten of crazy in Christianity?

Even as a young Mormon teen, Elizabeth Smart says she knew the difference between a genuine religious leader and Mitchell.

Ah, and the grist of this is: it’s all an apologist’s approach to detach the Elizabeth Smart kidnapping from any actual religious connections. The old ‘he wasn’t one of us’ excuse. 

“God would never tell someone to kidnap a young girl from her family’s home in the middle of the night from her bed that she shared with her sister ... and sexually abuse her and give her no free agency to choose what she did,” Smart testified. “I know (Mitchell) was not called of God because God would never do something like that.”

I find it fascinating that these people always seem to know the mind of their alleged deity, and how closely it syncs up with their own opinion. Fascinating, but not surprising.

Happy Holidays, troops.

Till the next post, then.

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Sunday, August 08, 2010

While Prop. 8 Has Been Overturned, The Enemy Is Tenacious And Insane…

Cross posted @ the Atheist Oasis

prop8cartoon

As we are all aware, a San Francisco federal judge struck down that horrendous constitutional mistake known as Proposition 8. As a native Californian, I can breathe but a quick sigh of success and gladness, for there is a certainty that those magical-underwear-wearing corpse baptizers will return to gird our loins for their imagined battles.

There was much hullabaloo over this misbegotten piece of legislation, and I recall reading in an editor’s letters column how one voter was so horrified by how one side (the one against the proposition) was treating the opposition, that he voted yes on the fucking thing. Wish I was joking, but no.

The other side doesn’t get this – likely willfully – that this is NOT about a difference of opinion. It’s about discrimination. Equal rights for some equals equal rights for none. But we can but rest for a moment, for the enemy is invidious and dresses well, smiles when you answer the door, and passes out free reading material.

But behind the curtain, behind the porcelain smiles and the starched collars and bland ties, some evils are distressing for their banalities and obtuseness:

President Gordon B. Hinckley, the previous president of the church, officially welcomed gay people in the church,  and affirmed them as good people in an interview "Now we have gays in the church. Good people. We take no action against such people – provided they don’t become involved in transgression, sexual transgression. If they do, we do with them exactly what we’d do with heterosexuals who transgress" (Lattin 1997). The church teaches that homosexual problems can be overcome "through faith in God, sincere repentance, and persistent effort.” "Homosexual relations" is included on the church's list of "serious transgressions" that may result in a disciplinary council and, if the person does not desist, excommunication (LDS Church 1998, p. 95). The church defines "serious transgressions" to include "murder, rape, forcible sexual abuse, spouse abuse, intentional serious physical injury of others, adultery, fornication, homosexual relations, deliberate abandonment of family responsibilities, robbery, burglary, theft, embezzlement, sale of illegal drugs, fraud, perjury, and false swearing" (LDS Church 1998, p. 95).

Yet earlier in the same entry, it specifically states that:

In 1992, when the World Health Organization removed homosexuality from the International Classification of Diseases as a mental illness, the church produced Understanding and Helping Those With Homosexual Problems, which removed all reference to homosexuality as a disease. The church frequently references contemporary scientific research, but explains that should not be taken as a position on "scientific questions," such as the cause of homosexuality.

Yet the prior paragraph cited distinctly treats it as a criminal offense of the highest order.

And of course, always remember that Mormonism was literally pulled out of a hat.

So be on guard. I can hear the massive bicycle wheels barreling down on California, ties flapping in the wind, their teeth skinned against the wind and what they deem sin…

Till the next post, then.

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Saturday, February 07, 2009

The Debunked Cry To The Stars Above..."I Don't Get No Respect!"

bogusastrology

Cross posted @ God is for Suckers!

I found a fairly amusing article entitled 'Debunking the debunkers'  - it's fraught with all sorts of standard biased objections, simply substitute 'Islam', 'Judaism', or or any other relusional 'system', play the words, it becomes pretty much the standard recipe.

These quotes are just a few of the typical statements made by debunkers against astrology, printed every day in newspapers, magazines and books; voiced on the radio, the Internet, and in the classroom. Despite the widespread prejudice against astrology, most of us continue to practice our "forbidden" art. Within our own little community, isolated from the war being waged against us and our discipline by scientists, the media, and religious fundamentalists, we are content to mind our own business and preach to the choir. So long as we maintain our client-based profession or write articles for our limited audience, why should we be concerned about the relentless debunking of astrology that goes on in the real and much larger world?

Because, well, it's not founded in reality. It costs millions of dollars of hard-earned human labor, and for what? Pseudo-psychoanalysis, that' s what.

The surprising answer is that it will make us better astrologers. Astrologers can profit from a critical view. It is valuable for us to understand the objections made by debunkers because they raise important questions that we should ask about ourselves, our practice, and astrology itself.

This is actually a valid point.

First, we must distinguish debunkers from the other types of critics and opponents of astrology. Debunkers are not the historians and philosophers of science who are open to considering astrology as an alternative paradigm and recognize its importance in past cultures, but who believe it has since deteriorated.[5] Debunkers are also different from the revisionists, who were discussed in a previous issue of TMA.6 Religious fundamentalists are another special category which will not be discussed here. It should be noted, however, that despite the general lack of intelligence in their weak arguments, fundamentalists constitute a growing threat to astrology.[7]

Can't help but chuckle at that last sentence.

True debunkers are the diehard skeptics who claim to be scientists using rational arguments, asserting their authority in areas where they have little knowledge. If we carefully examine the debunkers' arguments, we find serious flaws in their "logic" which is ostensibly based on an "objectivity" which is supposed to be characteristic of science and the rational mind.[8] We find that their criticisms are based on misinformation and ignorance. Observing these flaws can lead us to a better understanding of both what is science and what is astrology.

Ah yes, the flawed logic of the 192 scientists who signed the famous Objections to Astrology?

In today's world, science is upheld as the primary measuring rod, and any claim can be falsified or verified according to scientific criteria. According to this rather limited system of analysis, literally anything can be defined as either science or non-science. In most situations, unscientific claims are considered benign and are ignored (debunkers do not bother to "disprove" or "refute" music or the art of parenting, which are clearly non-scientific endeavors practiced daily throughout the world). So long as everybody minds their own business (i.e., scientists attend to science, musicians play their music, parents raise their children), there can be peaceful coexistence between the "two cultures."[10] But in certain cases, debunkers feel compelled to define a non-scientific endeavor such as astrology as "pseudoscience," a special category of non-science that carries the connotation of false, evil, and threatening to the goals of science.

A 'rather limited system of analysis' that has a far better track record than astrology itself. Note the conflation of 'parenting' and 'music', as if there are parallels here. Music is real, parenting is as well.

Just exactly how one is supposed to distinguish between what constitutes science, benign non-science, or pseudoscience is a very debatable topic.

Ah, no it's not.

 Philosophers and social scientists have been arguing about this for at least fifty years, and the only consensus they really have is that "science is what scientists say it is." Yet debunkers have decided they can determine not only what is science and what isn't, but also what portions of non-science deserve to be attacked as pseudoscience.

Testable, falsifiable hypotheses? Claiming to be science when it meets none of the criteria? No, the only debate is whether or not we should allow these people a valid opinion without anything to back it up.

What are some of their methods of attack? (1) One is the "Let Them Eat Cake" argument, and it goes like this: Astrology is criticized for failing to design research and run controlled tests to supply evidence for its concepts.

There ya go. Pseudoscience. Argument settled.

 But ever since scientists threw astrology out of the Academy in the 17th century, astrologers have been outside the intellectual mainstream with no access to academic funding.

Oh please. There's PLENTY of literature on the subject - centuries worth. It's just a matter of whether it's Western or Eastern, or Middle-Eastern. This is what - the third century or so that it's been banned? Why hasn't some intrepid researched proven it anyways?

Research is an extremely time-consuming and expensive endeavor. If academic scientists didn't have corporate-supported funding and posh jobs (complete with tenure, sabbaticals, grad students to teach their classes, and all the rats or Macs they need to run their experiments), how many do you think would dip into their own pockets to finance the research that "justifies" their existence? Yet they demand that astrologers should somehow find the time and money required to prove the validity of astrology.

Uh, academia in the US is infamous for lack of funding. Jobs and Gates started in their own garages, why can't you?

The catch-22 here is that even if you manage to get inside the academic establishment, astrology is generally considered a taboo subject for investigation, so who is supposed to be doing all the research demanded by the debunkers?

Howzabout all you star-stricken martyrs?

 Meanwhile, however, there is plenty of funding available for studying such matters as how goldfish behave under the influence of alcohol, or the effects of gravity on toilet paper.[11]

Or the reconciliation of quantum mechanics as opposed to the scalar laws of weak and strong nuclear forces, magnetism, gravity, etc? Note the lack of citations. Strawman.

(2) The "Pot Calling the Kettle Black" argument: Astrologers are also criticized for doing precisely the same things that scientists do.

My only response is that of hilarity.

 Debunkers claim that astrology is invalid because there is disagreement among astrologers over basic ideas such as which celestial configurations are relevant and how these are to be interpreted.

Duh, yeah, you have one thousand and one ways to interpret how one star in the sky impacts the individual, you have no standardization, no boilerplate, and no damn way to prove this is relevant.

Whereas, in science, a lack of mutual agreement over very basic premises is considered a healthy expression of intellectual debate and is called different "schools of thought."

Note the distinct lack of applicable analogies.

 Astrologers using geocentric or sidereal or Koch house systems are accused of inconsistency, while in physics, one can discuss whether light is a wave or light is a particle; and in behavioral genetics, one can formulate competing theories like "nature-versus-nurture," and in medical science, doctors can make a respectable income by giving second opinions.

Because light can be both, that's a false dichotomy - and if you're using a geocentric system in anything, well, it's about time that person got wind that they're in the 21st century.

Another way that Scientist debunkers project their own behavior is by accusing astrologers of using their art to control their clients' lives.

Stupidly broad generalization.

 You can see how absurd this is if you try to think of some part of modern life that is not depedent on (controlled by) science/technology. Contrast this with humanistic astrology, which is devoted to the process of self-awareness. Science searches for order with the ultimate goal of dominating nature, while astrology searches for an order that connects man with nature. In this sense, astrology constitutes a much more environmentally-friendly discipline than science.

Really? Which scientists? Is this author drawing on some crazy Doctor Cyclops imagery or what? Dominating nature? Would that be the physicists, or the molecular biologists?

And speaking of mythologies, another method of attack is based on the (3) "Myth of Objective Consciousness."[12] This is the idea that the scientific method or rationalism is the best way to gain knowledge about the world.

Because it shows patterns, it has a proven track record, and the supernatural fails the tests every time.

 There are just a few assumptions going on here. Debunkers have extended the meaning of best to indicate "only" and knowledge has been equated with Truth.

More strawman crap.

 The world is limited by scientific definition to mean the material, physical world, which in turn is assumed to mean "reality."

More new age nonsense.

 Astrology functions in a much broader way like philosophy; it is an alternative form of perception that seeks knowledge of a reality that includes the metaphysical world, yet scientists insist on testing it with the scientific method. Analyzing astrology with the tools of science is as inappropriate as trying to measure consciousness with a spoon.

So, what? We're supposed to take her word for it? Or the one hundred thousand other starry-eyed savants who can't seem to agree on one thing?

Skipping a little bit:

Another reason the scientific method will not work with astrology is that the rationalist view assumes that the whole equals the sum of the parts.

Only if you're Michael Behe.

 When the scientist tries to break down a person's birth chart into separate components to test the individual parts (like whether sun signs can translate directly into specific, isolated, predictable behavior traits), the astrologer rightfully objects that this is ignoring the wholeness of a chart, and of the person. If psychology is allowed to acknowledge the complex unity of the Self, why can't astrology be granted the same right?

Because you've pretty much admitted that this is not a science, for one thing. For another, if you divide an abstract concept into pieces, and all the pieces disappear, what's the final verdict?

Scientists also insist on statistical analysis using random samples. But astrology cannot be "proven" or falsified by random statistics because astrology is based on the premise that conditions are never random. Take, for example, random conditions at the time of testing. Scientists might assume that any old time is just as good as another to perform a test of astrology, but what if you're testing whether Pisces is less aggressive than Aries and it so happens that Mars is rising during the time of the test? Or suppose that a certain test is performed that shows some validity to astrology, but in a later attempt at replication, the Moon is void-of-course during the test, or Neptune is rising, and the results are all vague.

Because randomnicity is a way of testing for repeating patterns. For structure. Because when a pattern repeats itself, it's no longer random.

But enough. Vaughan cites 10 points, all of which suffer in the morass of subjective bias. Further investigation shows that she uses astrology as three different revenue streams, therefore staining her protestations with observer bias.

Till the next post, then.

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Sunday, February 03, 2008

Allegories Gone Wild - Waiting For NESARA

NESARA

Cross posted at God is for Suckers!

That old whore Christianity has mated many times, sometimes dropping from its womb madmen and monsters, other times, squalid lonely little sports that briefly squall, and pass away quietly into sewers of history.

This then, is the story of one of those sports. A bastard grandchild, to stretch the simile.

I picked up the DVD, because for ten bucks, it was cheap laugh. Here's the clip on Youtube. Here's their actual website.

For a little back story, the Wiki entry reads thusly:

NESARA is an acronym for the National Economic Stabilization and Recovery Act, a set of economic reforms proposed during the 1990s by Dr. Harvey Barnard. Barnard claimed that the proposals, which included replacing the income tax with a national sales tax, abolishing compound interest on secured loans, and returning to a bimetallic currency, would result in 0% inflation and a more stable economy. The proposals were never introduced before congress, and the only congressman known to have commented on the bill is Ron Paul, dismissively, and through a spokesman.[1] NESARA has since become better known as the subject of a conspiracy theory promoted by Shaini Goodwin, who claims that the act was passed with additional provisions as the National Economic Security and Reformation Act, and then suppressed by George W. Bush administration and the Supreme Court. Other people have adopted and embellished Goodwin's ideas.

The following gives us ample reason to distrust someone based on their educational background:

Dr. Harvey Barnard, a Louisiana graduate in systems philosophy, and an engineering consultant and teacher, created the NESARA proposal during the late 1980s and early 1990s. He printed 1000 copies of his proposal in 1996 and sent copies to members of Congress, believing it would pass quickly on its merits. Based on a theory that debt is the number one economic factor inhibiting the growth of the economy, and compound interest the number one "moral evil" and reason for debt, Barnard made several other attempts during the 1990s to draw political attention to the problems that face our economy, and his resulting economic recovery proposal based on the root causes he determined. After these did not succeed, he decided in 2000 to release the proposal to the public domain and publish it on the internet. Barnard also established the NESARA Institute in 2001.

Wiping all debt out in a single act of Congress? Yeah, I'll bet that wouldn't mess up the economy, no sirree!

The idea of forgiving any and all debt got latched on to, and with a singular vengeance. Hand in hand it went, with some whackinoid with an axe to grind, and too many missing brain cells:

Soon after Barnard released NESARA on the internet, a user known as "Dove of Oneness" began posting about it in internet forums. "Dove of Oneness" has since been identified as Shaini Goodwin, a former student of The Ramtha School Of Enlightenment. According to Goodwin's web site, the NESARA bill languished in Congress before finally being passed by a secret session in March 2000 and signed by President Bill Clinton. It was to be announced in 2001, but the Supreme Court issued a gag order that prohibited any official or private source from discussing it, under penalty of death. Goodwin refers to "White Knights," most of them high-ranking military officials, who have since been struggling to have the law implemented despite opposition by President George W. Bush. Goodwin believes that Bush orchestrated the September 11, 2001 attacks and the Iraq War as distractions from NESARA. Goodwin's description of NESARA goes beyond Barnard's proposal by canceling all personal debts, abolishing the Internal Revenue Service, declaring world peace, and requiring new presidential and congressional elections. Goodwin often claims that Bush officials are attempting to hack into and bring down her web site to prevent her from publicizing the law.

The film in question, an Indieflix production, has the crew following the NESARA folks around. Ordinary, 'down home folks', you'd think, passing them in the streets. That is, until you watch Goodwin hold these meetings (in a KFC restaurant at first, then moving it around a bit, complaining about the weird looks they received at certain places. Ya think?)

A bunch of strange ex-Mormons (apparently the majority have no access to modern dental facilities - most of them had black, rotted teeth) talking about 'White Nights', St. Germaine coming down from the heavens with an armada of UFOs to pre-empt the Iraqi war. Yeah, I kid you not in the least, dear reader: one clip in the film has Goodwin explaining how the armada would teleport all the US troops into their spaceships (sans equipment) to keep the US out of Iraq! Another clip, Goodwin blathers on about how people who have more reptilian DNA will be more easily influenced by the 'darkness', and cites the reptilian hindbrain as his proof. A claim is made that there was indeed a 'hybrid' that attended one of their meetings (alas, said chimera was not present for the filming. What a shock!).

These predictions were made sometime in 2002. Did they come true? Obviously not. Further clips from the film illustrate Goodwin trying to explain just exactly why the 'prophecies' didn't come true - there was a liberal mix-'n-matching from cultural referents (the bible, the Prime Directive from Star Trek, I kid you not!), some dithering about with 'free will', and more or less, a complete disconnect from reality.

To his credit, Barnard completely disassociated himself from the movement, continuing on with the original Wiki entry:

Barnard became aware of Goodwin's description of NESARA before his death in 2005. He denied that NESARA had been enacted into law or even assigned a tracking number, and condemned Goodwin's allegations as a disinformation campaign. Goodwin, for his part, dismisses the NESARA Institute as a disinformation front for the Bush family.

Goodwin apparently is still bilking his followers:

Some NESARA detractors claim that NESARA is a cult designed primarily to provide an income to Goodwin and others. They point to the fact that Goodwin, Lee, and Nidle frequently ask their readers to donate money. Goodwin, who also asks readers to donate their frequent flyer miles,claims that she needs and has used the funds to travel to various locations around the world to secretly meet with high-level government officials about getting NESARA announced.

Some NESARA supporters also make the claim that otherworldly beings are working to get NESARA announced. These include a "channeled spirit" called "Hatonn", and another called "Sananda" (claiming to be Jesus) along with Saint Germain, a deity borrowed from The I AM Movement and the Church Universal and Triumphant. Benevolent aliens are also frequently mentioned, most prominently by Nidle, as working towards the NESARA announcement. The designation of George W. Bush as a reptilian often co-occurs with this claim. Goodwin has claimed that Saint Germain has come down from heaven to physically meet with heads of banks and world leaders regarding the NESARA announcement.

The prominence of failed prophecy also lends support to the cult theory. NESARA supporters often tell their readers that the NESARA announcement is going to happen in a matter of days. These claims have been made too many times to enumerate, without ever coming to fruition. According to the documentary Waiting For NESARA, the claim was also made prior to March 2003 that George Bush was planning the war with Iraq only to further delay the NESARA announcement. It was prophesied that spiritual beings and UFOs would intervene with Bush's plans and prevent the war.

A June 2006 complaint to the Washington consumer protection division accused Goodwin of using the NESARA story to defraud a 64-year-old San Francisco woman of at least $10,000. The woman's daughter said the actual amount is much larger, in the hundreds of thousands.

In closing, it is a hard, hard thing, to be outcast, to be pariah. But to be tossed out of a weird cult (because let's face it, folks, they're all weird little cults, whether it be Christianity, LDS, Islam, etc) because you're too bugfuck crazy for the irrational majority you are a part of (or maybe it's just the lack of dental hygiene; who knows?) - well, it has to be somewhat unsettling, especially for the feeble-minded. So you modernize your craziness. Throw in some science-fiction fodder, a sprinkle of this baroque meritocracy, a smattering of that psychotropic belief-system, heavy doses of some stupid 'holy book', and voila! You gots yourself some damn fine messianic stew (that is, if all your tastebuds are solely in your mouth).

Shaking my head, I take your leave now. I love humanity, but aye, caramba! What a ridiculous species we is.

Till the next post, then.

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Saturday, October 14, 2006

THEY BAPTISE THEIR DEAD: OF MORMONS, MORBIDITY, AND MORONI(TY)

This obsession with death and the afterlife is unwholesame, unhealthy, and unbelievable.

I began to poke around a little on the Internet, and here’s a perfect example of how this god-fervor is ridiculous.

Witness (hat tip to Stardust for the link):

“Mormon Baptism Practices
"Baptism and salvation for the dead are based on the conviction that persons who died without a chance to hear or accept the gospel cannot possibly be condemned by a just and merciful God. The gospel must be preached to them after death; they find authority for this practice in 1 Peter 4:6: "For this cause was the gospel preached also to them that are dead, that they might be judged according to men in the flesh, but live according to God in the spirit." Baptism is considered as essential for the dead as it is for the living, even though the rites will not finally save them; there must be faith and repentance. The ceremony is performed with a living person standing proxy for the dead."
Handbook of Denominations, p.167”

Also:

Paul mentioned this ordinance in passing as part of his argument for the reality of the resurrection: "Else what shall they do which are baptized for the dead, if the dead rise not at all? Why are they then baptized for the dead?"1 Commentators have long recognized that the plain meaning of the passage is that living people were being baptized for dead friends or relatives, but they usually try to get out of it by placing some other, more dubious interpretation on this verse. Thus Henry Halley:
This seems to mean vicarious baptism, that is, baptism for a dead friend. But there is no other Bible reference to such a practice, and no evidence that it existed in the Apostolic Church. Perhaps a better translation would be "baptized in hope of the resurrection.2
But Paul's statement itself is evidence that baptism for the dead existed in the Apostolic Church! The NIV Study Bible admits that, "The present tense suggests that at Corinth people were currently being baptized for the dead."3 And if "baptized for the dead" really means "baptized in hope of the resurrection", it is an idiom translators have no knowledge of, or they would have used it to sidestep the obvious meaning of the passage.


Obviously, some folks have a problem differentiating this ‘allegorical vs. literal’ folderol. My understanding is that Paul was blasting away at the Corinthians for their apparent freelance interpretations?

And one more, for good measure, from the ‘horse’s mouth’, no less:

And again I give unto you a word in relation to the Baptism for your dead. Verily thus saith the Lord unto you concerning your dead when any of you are baptised for your dead let there be a recorder, and let him be eyewitness of your baptisms; let him hear with his ears that he may testify of a truth, saith the Lord; that in all your recordings it may be recorded in Heaven, that whatsoever you bind on earth may be bound in heaven; whatsoever you loose on earth may be loosed in heaven; for I am about to restore many things to the Earth, pertaining to the Priesthood saith the Lord of Hosts. And again let all the Records be had in order, that they may be put in the archives of my Holy Temple to be held in remembrance from generation to generation saith the Lord of Hosts.

The pursuit of immortality, it seems, takes so many morbid, tangential paths, all of them fraught with falsehood and folly.

Then again, what do you expect from people who wear ‘holy underwear’? I wonder if they come in silk (wink-wink, know what I mean, nudge-nudge?).

And here’s another nice little ditty: ever seen a black Mormon? You haven’t? What a shock! Here’s why:



For those of you without DSL/Broadband, the portion I'm referring to, is that the Morons (whoops! The Mormons, sorry!) believe that we are all Elohim (pre-birth and post-mortem), and that there was a big argument between Jesus and Lucifer at the Round Table (yeah, different fable, you get the gist), and Lucifer rebelled (aka the Fall). Those of the Eloheim who remained neutral were then cursed with dark skin.

I kid you not, dear readers.

Now, I assure you all, that I don't usually use South Park as a research source, but they tell it so well, that I may as well post this video:



For those of you who will not suffer fools gladly, this next video is a possible approach for the next time these lingerie-wearing corpse-baptising holy-rollers come a-knockin' on your door:



You give 'em hell, Granny! YEAH! (that video never ceases to make me laugh and cheer.)

Questions, comments, any good jokes?

Till the next post, then.

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Sunday, October 01, 2006

THE RAPTURE READY SURVIVAL KITtm – BROUGHT TO YOU BY RAPTURE READY ENTERPRISES, INC.

(Nods and tips of the hat to Tremblay, Hellbound Alleee and Daily Kos)

RAPTURE READY ENTERPRISES, INC is a subsidiary of the ApocalypseNow Corporation and fiduciary of the Armageddon Overnight LLC.

Because, let’s face it, folks: the Tribulations are just around the corner, and it’s best to be prepared for the heathens!

LET’S GET READY TO RAAAAAAAAAAAAPPPPPPPTTTTTTTTTUUUURRRRRRRRREEE!

Begin here:A. I am a (please mark one):


_ 1. Catholic
_ 2. Protestant
_ 3. Non-denominational (other) Christian
_ 4. Unitarian
_ 5. Mormon
_ 6. Muslim
_ 7. Jew
_ 8. Buddhist
_ 9. Agnostic
_ 10. Atheist

B. I have (___) amount of members in my family and/or congregation.
C. There are (___) children in my family and/or congregation.
D. There are (___) adults in my family and/or congregation.

IF YOU MARKED #1 –

CATHOLIC SURVIVAL KIT CONSISTS OF:
  1. Five gallons of holy water blessed by the Pope (note: DON’T DRINK – use only in case of emergency or exorcism, or both).

  2. X amount of rosary beads as per numbers provided in B.

  3. X amount of Latin hymnals, as per numbers provided in B.

  4. X amount of gasmasks, as per numbers provided in B (and fitted in accordance with numbers provided in C and D).

  5. X amount of bibles of your choice as per numbers provided in B (Except the King James version! Heresy!).

  6. X amount of shotguns/rifles as per numbers provided in D (because, as we all know, the apostates will come banging on your door, either seeking refuge, salvation, rapine, or cannabilism). All weaponry provided by Springfield armory: Buy American!

  7. X amount of kneepads per numbers provided in B (see our catalogue for the new product, Insta-Pew!, sold separately, batteries not included).

  8. One-size-fits-all guillotine (remember Mark 9:43-45?).

  9. Mote-plucker sold separately, batteries not included. (Remember Mark 9:47?)

  10. Insta-Pope kit; in case of emergency, elect a Pope. Kit includes pointy funny hat, sigiled ring for kissing, long robe, and Edsel with bulletproof glass cube.

  11. Special Purgatorial calculator, to estimate how long any heretics will spend in Purgatory (applies only to decent folks from above list provided in numbers 2-9: you can guess where the number 10’s are going, can’t you?)
IF YOU MARKED #2 –

PROTESTANT SURVIVAL KIT CONSISTS OF:
  1. Five gallons of holy water (note: DON’T DRINK – use only in case of emergency, exorcism, or baptism, or all of the above).

  2. See #4, in the CATHOLIC SURVIVAL KIT.

  3. X amount of bibles of the King James Version per numbers provided in B (All others are heresy!).

  4. See #6, in the CATHOLIC SURVIVAL KIT.

  5. See # 7, in the CATHOLIC SURVIVAL KIT.

  6. See #8, in the CATHOLIC SURVIVAL KIT.

  7. See #9, in the CATHOLIC SURVIVAL KIT.

  8. X amount of Luther’s theses, as per numbers provided in B.
(Please contact us at 1-800-RAPTURE for dogmatic details).
  1. Scud missile, in the event that someone uses #10, in the CATHOLIC SURVIVAL KIT (goddam Papists!).

  2. Chick tracts as per numbers provided in B.
NON-DENOMINATIONAL CHRISTIAN SURVIVAL KIT CONSISTS OF:
  1. Items 4-9 of the CATHOLIC SURVIVAL KIT (King James available on request).
Kits 1-3, all long firearms come fully equipped with detachable bayonets (because we all know there’s going to be some vicious in-fighting at the pearly gates, don’t we?)
Call the 1-800 number for more details.

IF YOU MARKED #4 –
UNITARIAN SURVIVAL KIT CONSISTS OF:
  1. Directions to the nearest owners of kits listed above.

  2. X amount of “PROTESTANTISM FOR DUMMIES” or “CATHOLICISM FOR DUMMIES” as per numbers provided in B, and contingent on demographic denomination of nearest kit owners (please contact us at 1-800-RAPTURE for dogmatic details).

  3. X amount of Insta-conversion kits (see #2 of this kit).
IF YOU MARKED #5 –

MORMON SURVIVAL KIT CONSISTS OF:
  1. X amount of extra Holy Underwear, as per numbers supplied in B. You’re going to need a change, better believe it.
IF YOU MARKED #6 –

MUSLIM SURVIVAL KIT CONSISTS OF:
  1. Sorry, we don’t negotiate with terrorists.
IF YOU MARKED #7 –

HEBREW SURVIVAL KIT CONSISTS OF:
  1. See all items in NON-DENOMINATIONAL CHRISTIAN SURVIVAL KIT – only 144,000 of these will be available (Act now! Supplies are limited! Seriously!).
IF YOU MARKED #8 –

BUDDHIST SURVIVAL KIT CONSISTS OF:
  1. Simply release yourself from maya, the illusion of the world, and you will pop out of existence, to become one with the void. That’ll be $20.00, please.
IF YOU MARKED #9 –

AGNOSTIC SURVIVAL KIT CONSISTS OF:
  1. See UNITARIAN SURVIVAL KIT. Both kits contain Insta-conversion kits also based on demographic nearness of either Catholic or Protestant, and how many ordered by either denomination.
IF YOU MARKED #10 –

ATHEIST SURVIVAL KIT CONSISTS OF:

  1. Blindfolds (seeing is believing, after all)
  2. X amount of copies of Secrets of the Fakirs as per numbers provided in B. These copies will teach you how to fire-walk. Because you’re going to need it.
Disclaimer: We here at RAPTURE READY ENTERPRISES, INC. are historicists, and as such, take no responsibility for failed prophesies, allegorical errors, scriptural misinterpretation, misuse of contents of kits, or your eternal damnation. All kits are non-refundable.

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