left biblioblography: THE RAPTURE READY SURVIVAL KITtm – BROUGHT TO YOU BY RAPTURE READY ENTERPRISES, INC.

Sunday, October 01, 2006

THE RAPTURE READY SURVIVAL KITtm – BROUGHT TO YOU BY RAPTURE READY ENTERPRISES, INC.

(Nods and tips of the hat to Tremblay, Hellbound Alleee and Daily Kos)

RAPTURE READY ENTERPRISES, INC is a subsidiary of the ApocalypseNow Corporation and fiduciary of the Armageddon Overnight LLC.

Because, let’s face it, folks: the Tribulations are just around the corner, and it’s best to be prepared for the heathens!

LET’S GET READY TO RAAAAAAAAAAAAPPPPPPPTTTTTTTTTUUUURRRRRRRRREEE!

Begin here:A. I am a (please mark one):


_ 1. Catholic
_ 2. Protestant
_ 3. Non-denominational (other) Christian
_ 4. Unitarian
_ 5. Mormon
_ 6. Muslim
_ 7. Jew
_ 8. Buddhist
_ 9. Agnostic
_ 10. Atheist

B. I have (___) amount of members in my family and/or congregation.
C. There are (___) children in my family and/or congregation.
D. There are (___) adults in my family and/or congregation.

IF YOU MARKED #1 –

CATHOLIC SURVIVAL KIT CONSISTS OF:
  1. Five gallons of holy water blessed by the Pope (note: DON’T DRINK – use only in case of emergency or exorcism, or both).

  2. X amount of rosary beads as per numbers provided in B.

  3. X amount of Latin hymnals, as per numbers provided in B.

  4. X amount of gasmasks, as per numbers provided in B (and fitted in accordance with numbers provided in C and D).

  5. X amount of bibles of your choice as per numbers provided in B (Except the King James version! Heresy!).

  6. X amount of shotguns/rifles as per numbers provided in D (because, as we all know, the apostates will come banging on your door, either seeking refuge, salvation, rapine, or cannabilism). All weaponry provided by Springfield armory: Buy American!

  7. X amount of kneepads per numbers provided in B (see our catalogue for the new product, Insta-Pew!, sold separately, batteries not included).

  8. One-size-fits-all guillotine (remember Mark 9:43-45?).

  9. Mote-plucker sold separately, batteries not included. (Remember Mark 9:47?)

  10. Insta-Pope kit; in case of emergency, elect a Pope. Kit includes pointy funny hat, sigiled ring for kissing, long robe, and Edsel with bulletproof glass cube.

  11. Special Purgatorial calculator, to estimate how long any heretics will spend in Purgatory (applies only to decent folks from above list provided in numbers 2-9: you can guess where the number 10’s are going, can’t you?)
IF YOU MARKED #2 –

PROTESTANT SURVIVAL KIT CONSISTS OF:
  1. Five gallons of holy water (note: DON’T DRINK – use only in case of emergency, exorcism, or baptism, or all of the above).

  2. See #4, in the CATHOLIC SURVIVAL KIT.

  3. X amount of bibles of the King James Version per numbers provided in B (All others are heresy!).

  4. See #6, in the CATHOLIC SURVIVAL KIT.

  5. See # 7, in the CATHOLIC SURVIVAL KIT.

  6. See #8, in the CATHOLIC SURVIVAL KIT.

  7. See #9, in the CATHOLIC SURVIVAL KIT.

  8. X amount of Luther’s theses, as per numbers provided in B.
(Please contact us at 1-800-RAPTURE for dogmatic details).
  1. Scud missile, in the event that someone uses #10, in the CATHOLIC SURVIVAL KIT (goddam Papists!).

  2. Chick tracts as per numbers provided in B.
NON-DENOMINATIONAL CHRISTIAN SURVIVAL KIT CONSISTS OF:
  1. Items 4-9 of the CATHOLIC SURVIVAL KIT (King James available on request).
Kits 1-3, all long firearms come fully equipped with detachable bayonets (because we all know there’s going to be some vicious in-fighting at the pearly gates, don’t we?)
Call the 1-800 number for more details.

IF YOU MARKED #4 –
UNITARIAN SURVIVAL KIT CONSISTS OF:
  1. Directions to the nearest owners of kits listed above.

  2. X amount of “PROTESTANTISM FOR DUMMIES” or “CATHOLICISM FOR DUMMIES” as per numbers provided in B, and contingent on demographic denomination of nearest kit owners (please contact us at 1-800-RAPTURE for dogmatic details).

  3. X amount of Insta-conversion kits (see #2 of this kit).
IF YOU MARKED #5 –

MORMON SURVIVAL KIT CONSISTS OF:
  1. X amount of extra Holy Underwear, as per numbers supplied in B. You’re going to need a change, better believe it.
IF YOU MARKED #6 –

MUSLIM SURVIVAL KIT CONSISTS OF:
  1. Sorry, we don’t negotiate with terrorists.
IF YOU MARKED #7 –

HEBREW SURVIVAL KIT CONSISTS OF:
  1. See all items in NON-DENOMINATIONAL CHRISTIAN SURVIVAL KIT – only 144,000 of these will be available (Act now! Supplies are limited! Seriously!).
IF YOU MARKED #8 –

BUDDHIST SURVIVAL KIT CONSISTS OF:
  1. Simply release yourself from maya, the illusion of the world, and you will pop out of existence, to become one with the void. That’ll be $20.00, please.
IF YOU MARKED #9 –

AGNOSTIC SURVIVAL KIT CONSISTS OF:
  1. See UNITARIAN SURVIVAL KIT. Both kits contain Insta-conversion kits also based on demographic nearness of either Catholic or Protestant, and how many ordered by either denomination.
IF YOU MARKED #10 –

ATHEIST SURVIVAL KIT CONSISTS OF:

  1. Blindfolds (seeing is believing, after all)
  2. X amount of copies of Secrets of the Fakirs as per numbers provided in B. These copies will teach you how to fire-walk. Because you’re going to need it.
Disclaimer: We here at RAPTURE READY ENTERPRISES, INC. are historicists, and as such, take no responsibility for failed prophesies, allegorical errors, scriptural misinterpretation, misuse of contents of kits, or your eternal damnation. All kits are non-refundable.

Stumble Upon Toolbar

8 comments:

Mesoforte said...

That's good KA, I like the disclaimer.

Krystalline Apostate said...

MF:
Thanks. I drafted it up last month.
I usually have 4-5 posts worked out in advance. Now that I'm so busy, I'll have to be a tad more frugal.

Aviaa said...

If the rapture fails to present itself within a reasonable time-frame, can I use my blindfold for other purposes?

Krystalline Apostate said...

aviaa:
If the rapture fails to present itself within a reasonable time-frame, can I use my blindfold for other purposes?
You got my permission, but you may want to call the 1-800 #. ;)

PastaLaVista said...

KA said:

LET’S GET READY TO RAAAAAAAAAAAAPPPPPPPTTTTTTTTTUUUURRRRRRRRREEE!


Just the thought of Michael Buffer saying that is hilarious. Good post KA.

Bacon Eating Atheist Jew said...

I don't know if you've seen this video yet. But it is totally on topic.

Krystalline Apostate said...

BEAJ:
Hey, thanks. I have seen it already (I lurk at your site a bit).
How come that narrator sounds like every single narrator of that era?

Bacon Eating Atheist Jew said...

Think of all those poor people who died never seeing Jesus' return. Probably not too many of the people in that film are still kicking.

How come that narrator sounds like every single narrator of that era?
******************
Anti-evolution.