left biblioblography: The Top Ten Knee-Mails That Gord Answers

Sunday, August 19, 2007

The Top Ten Knee-Mails That Gord Answers

Cross-posted at God Is For Suckers!

This is just quite...amusing, to say the least.

Number 1:

Go(r)d, Show Me That You Exist

Go(r)d is just waiting for honest doubters to cry out for a little revelation! In fact, he is knocking at their doors, eager to oblige. The door to the human heart can be opened only from the inside. Go(r)d will never force his way in. All we have to do is open.

Even if we already know that Go(r)d exists and promises to be there for us, sometimes we don't feel his presence or see him moving in our lives. Then even strong believers experience doubts. They, too, need fresh reminders that he is there, aware and listening--and that he promises to respond:

Sometimes?!?! Try not at all. This is more along the lines of "Bend over, I'll drive!"

Number 2:

Go(r)d, Make Me an Instrument

Wherever two or three are gathered together in my name, I am there in the midst of them. (Matthew 18:20)
Quite literally one of the oldest Christian prayers in the Book, the request that Go(r)d make you an instrument is the one that Go(r)d will answer fastest.

Jesus is making an important promise: When two or three (or more) of us are together in his name, we have an opportunity to love our neighbor as ourselves. This is real love, not some mushy feeling or hormonal rush: It is allowing Go(r)d to make us his "instruments" and live his life through us.

Yeah, because if you go on your own, it'll come apart, like a daffodil spore on a windy day. Gotta get that reinforcement thing going. No, it's still simply a chemical response, no squishy-squishy romantic delusion.

Number 3:

Go(r)d, Outdo Me in Generosity

Give and it will be given to you, full measure, pressed down, overflowing. (Luke 6:38)
Go(r)d will never be outdone in generosity!
Here's how it works: As you give generously to people in need, Go(r)d will generously provide all you need. Then you will always have everything you need and plenty left over to share with others....Yes, you will be enriched so that you can give even more generously (see II Corinthians 9:8-13).

How is it that a supernatural, unseen critter gets all the credit? This still loses me.

Number 4:

Go(r)d, Get Me Through This Suffering

Go(r)d will not let you be tested beyond your strength. With your trial, he will also provide you with a means of escape, so that you will be able to endure it. (I Corinthians 10:13)
This prayer is not a way out of suffering itself, but a reminder that we can count on being consoled and fortified by Go(r)d--if we ask for help. That shoulder you cried on, the understanding hug, the cup of tea--all are little gifts of comfort from Go(r)d

Tell that to all the people who've snapped and gone apeshit. Or the suicides. Or the walking wounded, who shamble about raving to themselves. A nice long walk on the streets of Berkeley will put this nonsense to rest.

Oh, wait, it's their fault. Of course! Blame the victim. That's where that pathology stems from.

Number 5:

Go(r)d, Forgive Me

He is faithful and just to forgive our sins. (I John 1:9)
Go(r)d is so gracious. But while we're rejoicing in his grace, it's a good idea to remember that there are rules, and there are consequences in our lives here and now. For instance: If I regard sin in my heart, the Lord will not hear me (Psalm 66:18).
Confession is our route around a big roadblock to answered prayer. Sin is such a serious matter to Go(r)d that he gave the life of his son to set us free from it, so it pays to keep short accounts with him. He has not made that difficult to do.

I mean, this begs the Big Question: why even burden your children with such a thing? This is the behavior of a psychopath.

Number 6:

Go(r)d, Give Me Peace

You will keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you. (Isaiah 26:3 NKJV)
Real, inner peace goes beyond emotions; it comes from focusing on Go(r)d. Jesus said, "I leave you peace....My peace I give to you."
Without him we won't have the peace that takes us unshaken through life's physical and emotional earthquakes. We need the peace of faith that knows Go(r)d is there, walking alongside, whispering, Trust me; I have a plan and you are going to be okay. Just keep on going.

Yeah, history sure dispels that myth.

Number 7:

Go(r)d, Give Me Courage

The Lord... delivered me from all my fears. (Psalm 34:4)
The great Christian writer C.S. Lewis once said that "courage is not simply one of the virtues, but the form of every virtue at its testing point, which means at the point of highest reality." Even honesty, self-control, patience and chastity take courage.
You need courage to persevere through life's difficulties, to endure suffering, to take risks, to give witness to the truth, to dare to do great things. Every time we admit our weakness and our dependency on God, we're ripe for his grace and help.

For the weaker of heart and mind, it requires a little something extra...like, say, a codependence on an invisible friend. Hey, Harvey!

Number 8:

Go(r)d, Give Me Wisdom

If anyone lacks in wisdom, let him ask Go(r)d, who is always ready to give. (James 1:5)
We face lots of challenges in our world today. Just turn on the television and there they are: war, an unpredictable economy, spiraling fuel prices, new pandemic diseases. What next?
Being smart isn't enough to handle all this; we need wisdom. We need direction from someone who sees our whole life at a glance, the big picture and the intricate details, someone who knows what's coming down the road.

Eenie-beanie, chili-weenie, the spirits are about to speak! I keep hearing Bullwinkle's voice through these vacuous platitudes, don't you?

Number 9:

Go(r)d, Bring Good Out of This Bad Situation

All things work together for good, for those who love Go(r)d and are called according to his purpose. (Romans 8:28)
That's a wonderful Bible verse to quote and feel comforted by--except, of course, when you feel crushed by some impossible situation. Then what do you do? Quote it anyway. Tuck it into your mind and let it take root there. Then wait on Go(r)d to work his redemptive purpose out of the circumstances that threaten to overwhelm you.

Sometimes God allows suffering in order to get our attention: to divert us from wrong paths; to build our faith and our courage, to help us grow strong and resilient; to make us wiser. Or to turn our bad situations into good ones.

And sometimes Gord allows suffering because there ain't no such critter. Again, tell all this unmitigated horse manure to the walking wounded, who I've mentioned before. That is, if the world hasn't snapped them so badly they're capable of interacting with other people.

Number 10:

Go(r)d, Lead Me to My Destiny

Before you were born, I consecrated you. (Jeremiah 1:5)
You came into this world a champion! Special, unique you; a miracle predetermined by Go(r)d. It follows, then, that you have a unique destiny.
Your destiny is not the same as your dream. Dreams can lead you away from the destiny Go(r)d has planned for you. He knows where you fit and what you can accomplish.

Gah! I think I've contracted a metaphorical version of diabetes! Holy crap! What was that saying of P.T Barnum, about suckers being born every minute?

Destiny is the word that weaker minds use in pretense of purpose. If there is such a thing, then we weave it ourselves, out of whole cloth.

Prayer - it doesn't work. It never has.

This is the Apostate, signing off.

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