left biblioblography: You Can't Marry A Snapping Turtle!

Sunday, March 25, 2007

You Can't Marry A Snapping Turtle!

Time for one of my favorite all-time masters of rant - Lewis Black. From his Red White and Screwed HBO special. I have made an effort to transcribe the routine under the fold, in case some of you are still on the antiquated dial-up.



Now, there is a difference between the Old Testament and the New Testament, and that difference is, the New Testament god is really kind of a great guy. He is, especially when you compare him, to the Old Testament god, who is a prick. I don't know what happened to god, over time, if he matured, or went to an anger management class. Or maybe just the birth of his son calmed him down. But before he had the kid, holy fuck, he was outta control! All you gotta do is read the Old Testament, it's really unbelievable. Look at Abraham, the first man to have faith in one god, and what does god do? "Hey, Abraham! Come here! Come here! Bring your kid! Let's barbecue him, hahaha!" Moses spends his life with them, crosses the desert with them, devotes 40 years to his people, to get them outta Egypt across the desert to the Promised Land, and god goes, "Hey, Mo! You're not getting in! Kiss my ass, hahaha!" There's a guy you wanna work for. And then, oh ho, and then there's the book of Job. For those of you who are depressed, take a read of that sometime. Because I don't care how bad your day is, you don't even stack up. Job, was the most upright man with the most faith of any man on the planet EVER! And what did god do? He sat on his head, and said "I'm going to take a shit-shit-shit! Open your mouth, here comes some more shit!" The reason the Old Testament god, is a prick, is because the Old Testament is designed, as a book, to get the Jews to straighten up and fuckin' fly right. Because they were outta control. They were ten hairs away from being baboons. And that's the point, when I do that in the South, you can hear the veritable fucking pin drop. Figure it out, okay? You watch Jerry Springer. That's what we're like NOW, imagine what they were like THEN. They needed rules, they needed to know that marriage needs to take place between a man and a woman. Because they were wandering into camp with camels, going "I'm in LOVE!" "I don't care WHAT you are, you can't marry a snapping turtle, asshole!" But it's not good enough for our president, that it's written in the bible. He felt it was just imperative that he put it in the constitution. And so did many states. Because apparently, we heterosexuals have reached a point we're so fucked up, that we better write it down, in case we forget, who we're supposed to marry. It's unbelievable! It's in the book already! What, do you need to print it, are you crazy?!? It's...huh...huh..(shakes his head) . But in the midst of all our problems, that was the most important thing. We have no energy policy, you know? None whatsoever. We still don't have a good one, it's ridiculous. And if you ask, we're not going to have solar energy in my lifetime, you know? A few people have it, but it's something we should all have, it's ridiculous. I'll take no flying cars, but solar energy? And if you ask your congressman why, he'll say, "'Cause it's hard. It's really, really hard. Makes me wanna go poopy." You wanna know why we don't have solar energy? Because the sun goes away each day, and it doesn't tell us where it's going. I can guarantee you this, we could have it if we wanted to, we can have anything we want.

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beepbeepitsme said...

Yeah. He's a pretty funny guy. And there is such a huge difference between the god of the old testament and the god of the new.

If jesus is god, jesus is also the "prick" of the old testament. I fail to see how christians rationalise this.

Krystalline Apostate said...

BBIM - well, it seems as soon as Yahweh got laid, he mellowed out a helluva lot, no? ;)

karen said...

Thanks so much for the transcript, dahlink!
Gotta love Lewis Black! He's always right on the money.

Sad, about the turtle though. We have such a devoted relationship. ;)

Krystalline Apostate said...

karen - yeah, I know you're still stuck on dial-up, so I thought I'd transcribe it for my goddess of the godless.
It was my pleasure, love.

Zac Hunter said...

He's good, but he's no Bill Hicks.


You think when Jesus comes back he's gonna want to see all those crosses around peoples neck? Thats like going up to Jackie O with a little rifle pin on your lapel and saying "Just thinking Johnny!"

No wonder he hasn't come back. "Jesus: "fuck it Dad, I don't want to go back down there. I want to stay here with you and keep burying these dinosaur fossils, lets fuck with em..."

Krystalline Apostate said...

Zac - somebody funnier than LB? BLASPHEMY! Leper, outcast unclean! Retro me...hehehehe.

karen said...

Black did a segment on The Daily Show tonight on positive news from Iraq.
If you didn't see it, try to catch the reruns, or look at it on Comedy Cebtral's website -if you don't have dialup.

Krystalline Apostate said...

karen - alas, I don't get CC.
It'll probably show up on youtube in less than a week.