left biblioblography: AM I FOR REAL? IS THIS THING FOR REAL? WHO IS THIS ‘ANONYMOUS’ PERSON, AND WHY SHOULD I CARE?

Saturday, July 01, 2006

AM I FOR REAL? IS THIS THING FOR REAL? WHO IS THIS ‘ANONYMOUS’ PERSON, AND WHY SHOULD I CARE?


I was going through my bulk mail in my reluctantatheist account, and I received this delightful little romp in the field of fable (from anon@anon.com, no less).

I don’t often get religious mail. I don’t know whether to chalk this up to my lack of popularity (wah, wah, wah), or my (usual) politeness online, or maybe it’s just someone who stumbled across my website, www.reluctantatheist.com. I’ve noted this compulsion among the faithful: if you just read the bible, or are exposed to religion (some time ago, a poster told me, “I’m sorry you have such a bad attitude towards religion” and then submitted a weblink, as if I’ve not been around religion at all) or just listen and understand it the way they do, well, there’ll be a sudden light from on high (with an angelic choir chiming in), and I’ll be dazzled and suffused with comprehension, like you see on TV, movies, all that rot, and ‘Hallelujah! I see the light! I am HEE-ALED! Praise the Lord!’

These people really do live in a world all their own, don’t they?

Never let it be said, I won’t try anything once (twice is twice as nice, long as it’s pleasant). So I did as I was bid.

I shall Fisk this puppy.

Let us begin.

Want to prove that you are a real atheist?

No, not really. Only insecure people need to ‘prove’ anything.

If you are a real a real atheist, say this prayer out loud three times right now:
If God is not real, then these prayers will have no effect on you, but If God is real, they will. Remember, you have to say these out loud 3x each, in a row.

A real a real? As opposed to just ‘a real’? Do I get to use a pair of ruby slippers with this? Why 3? You a trinitarian, or what?

I bet you you will change once you says these prayers. Say them by yourself, you don't have to do it in front of anyone. If you are reading this when there is someone around, you can close it and print it out and say it then.

Oh jeez, thanks. Couldn’t have figured that out by myself. Lawsy, lawsy, I am SURROUNDED by other atheists. Has to be peer pressure, don’t it?

Say this WHOLE thing out loud 3x:

I heard you the first time.

HOLY SPIRIT, I RECEIVE YOU. PLEASE COME INTO MY HEART AND GUIDE ME.

Wow. Here I thought it was the brain that guided my responses. My bad.

OUR FATHER WHICH ART IN HEAVEN, HALLOWED BE THY NAME.

I’d say ‘Hollow’ would be more like it.

THY KINGDOM COME. THY WILL BE DONE, AS IN HEAVEN SO ON EARTH.

Yeah, well, we’ve been waiting some odd 2000 years now. Sure takin’ your sweet time, aintcha? Am I in the will? What do I get?

GIVE US DAY BY DAY OUR DAILY BREAD.

How odd. Everyone I know works for it.

AND FORGIVE US OUR SINS;

Yeah, according to your dogma, that’ll take forever, since they’re built in.

FOR WE ALSO FORGIVE EVERY ONE THAT IS INDEBTED TO US.

Hey, speak for yourself.

AND LEAD US NOT INTO TEMPTATION; BUT DELIVER US FROM EVIL.

Why are we even tempted? Deliver? It’s Digiorno.

FOR THINE IS THE KINGDOM AND THE POWER AND THE GLORY FOREVER.

What, I don’t get to inherit? What a rip-off. You gonna read the will anytime soon?

IN THE NAME OF JESUS CHRIST,

Who never existed.

AMEN

Ramen. Oops.

Then say this out loud 3x:

There’s no place like home, there’s no place like…I’m sorry, what are we doing now?

SPEAK OUTLOUD

I am.

SATAN, IN THE NAME OF JESUS, I COMMAND YOU TO LEAVE MY MIND, BODY,
LIFE, AND SOUL TODAY IN THE NAME OF JESUS!

Something left my body this morning, but it was real.

YOU HAVE NO DOMINION OVER MY LIFE!

None of these cats do.

I SUBMIT MY BODY, LIFE, AND SOUL TO GOD, IN THE NAME OF JESUS!

Say what? Immigration carted him off yesterday.

THE BLOOD OF JESUS! THE BLOOD OF JESUS! THE BLOOD OF JESUS AGAINST YOU SATAN!

Ooooh-kay.

I APPLY THE BLOOD OF JESUS OVER MY LIFE!

Things are getting kinda messy here.

I APPLY THE BLOOD OF JESUS OVER WHERE I LIVE AT!

Hmmm…why is the floor all sticky?

I APPLY THE BLOOD OF JESUS OVER MY FAMILY!

I doubt they’d appreciate that in the least.

I DO IT ALL IN THE NAME OF JESUS

You go right ahead, and send me a postcard telling me how everything worked out.

THE BLOOD OF JESUS! THE BLOOD OF JESUS! THE BLOOD OF JESUS AGAINST YOU
SATAN!

Yeesh, you bloodthirsty enough? I’m betting we’ll be reading about you in the newspapers purty durn soon, what with all your bellowing about blood.

IN JESUS NAME I CALL IT DONE! AMEN AND AMEN!
IN JESUS CHRIST'S HOLY NAME I PRAY, AMEN!

Is it me, or is this a kabalistic formula of some sort?

DO NOT DELETE THIS EMAIL UNTIL YOU HAVE DONE THIS.

If you say so.

AFTER YOU HAVE CHANGED, PASS THIS ON TO YOUR FELLOW NON-BELIEVERS IN
CHRIST.

Well, reading comprehension is apparently not your forte. If I’ve changed (I did: I got outta my pajamas this morning), then they wouldn’t be my ‘fellow non-believers’ anymore, now would they?

ONCE AGAIN, IF YOU WANT TO PROVE THAT YOU ARE A REAL JEW, FOLLOW THESE
INSTRUCTIONS.

Huh? I thought this was a real atheist test.

If you have the nerve to believe that there is no CHRIST, then you should have the NERVE to prove it! By chickening out and not doing this test, you show that you may have something to be afraid of. This email was not sent to you to annoy you, but to help.

-YOUR FRIEND,

ANONYMOUS

[END EMAIL]

By ‘chickening out’? How old is this clown? Shoulda sent a .wav file with the sound ‘Ba-BOCK’ on it. I’ve been accused of a lot of things in this life, but a lack of nerve’s never been one of them.


Well, dear readers, I did indeed follow these instructions to the letter. And glory hallelujah! I DID feel something.
Turned out to be gas. Followed by…well, never mind, you don’t need to know ALL the details.

Not only do I have the ‘nerve’ to believe that there is no CHRIST, I can prove that there never was.

I wish these people would just ‘give up the ghost’ so to speak. Why has He forsaken us? Easy answer:NEVER WAS.

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19 comments:

Rosemary said...

Reluctant:

As to odd e-mails, I have gotten 3 from something called "Islam Answers". They all address me as "Sister in Islam"!!!

Actually, they have been interesting as they dealt with Islamic morals. The last one was condemning pirating satelite TV. It seemed to be particullarly sinful if it was being used to view "decadent" programming.

Normally, I don't open e-mail from someone that I don't know, but those piqued my couriosity.

Krystalline Apostate said...

rosemary:
As to odd e-mails, I have gotten 3 from something called "Islam Answers". They all address me as "Sister in Islam"!!!
Well, bless my burqa! ;)
Actually, they have been interesting as they dealt with Islamic morals.
That's...very odd.
Normally, I don't open e-mail from someone that I don't know, but those piqued my couriosity.
Well, it depends. I don't open attachments from unknown people. AT&T provides my email via a web-base, so between them & my Norton, I'm pretty sure I'm safe.
Sometimes I even get those strange character-based emails (That look Czech, or something). I don't even open those.
I did make a mistake recently though. I opened a link in what I thought was an email from an online dating service 'these women want to meet you!' I closed it soon enough, but I'm getting 7-10 spams a day in my primary account.
What a joy.
You should drop by more, if you get the chance.

Rosemary said...

RA: You should drop by more...

Well, yeah, I've got behind reading your articles...my bad.
I did leave a comment just a minute ago on yesterday's article.
I got a kick out of that one. I have a love affair with words also.

mxrace652 said...

Hmm, this doesn't seem substantiated, more like spam. I usually get snail mail w/ religious swag in it, my response as of late is to take their prepaid return envelope & put in my old copies of the AA newsletter, the PA nonbelievers newsletter, non tracts, etc. I giggle when I drop it in the mailbox. Take care RA

Bacon Eating Atheist Jew said...

I got a letter from Suha Arafat that I posted on my blog.

I get the odd religious nut trying to reason with me on email.

Once I start asking for specifics or proof, they usually run away very quickly.

Krystalline Apostate said...

mxracer:
Hmm, this doesn't seem substantiated, more like spam.
Difference is, it's not selling something. Well, nothing that cost moola.
I tried to do a reply, guess what?
Mail Daemon failure. What a surprise.

BEAJ:
I get the odd religious nut trying to reason with me on email.
Yeah, I used to get those fairly regularly.
When I catch them out (like this 1 feller, he tried the old bait'n'switch: nattering w/me like an atheist, then tried to shift burden of proof), or I tell them I'm laughing hysterically, well, they stop talking to me.
I wonder why?

karen said...

Now THAT's funnier than the Confidants in Christ post!
The BLOOD OF JESUS, I COMMAND YOU TO LEAVE MY BODY!!!
Ooops, messed it up, didn't I ? ;)

Krystalline Apostate said...

karen:
Now THAT's funnier than the Confidants in Christ post!
Is it? Hard for me to tell.
The BLOOD OF JESUS, I COMMAND YOU TO LEAVE MY BODY!!!
Ooohhhh, Ah'm feelin' evah so faint.

Stardust1954 said...

I love your "dialogues"...hilarious!

This reminds me of my kids years ago after they watched the Candyman movie, and they kept saying Candyman in the mirror three times in a row to see if they could get him to appear and were disappointed he didn't show up.

karen said...

Candyman, Candyman, Candyman!
Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice!
Jesus, Jesus, Jesus!

nothin'...nothin'...nothin'...

Krystalline Apostate said...

Stardust:
This reminds me of my kids years ago after they watched the Candyman movie, and they kept saying Candyman in the mirror three times in a row to see if they could get him to appear and were disappointed he didn't show up.
Yeah, that was a so-so flick. The story by Clive Barker was much better.

karen:
nothin'...nothin'...nothin'...
& this surprises you why? ;)
It's weird how folks think if you repeat something often enough, it'll gain substance.

say no to christ said...

It may be my catholic upbring? But when I was a kid we stood in a dark bathroom looking at the mirra and repeated Bloody Mary three times as you turned around. And nothing... nothing... nothing is what we got. Lol

Ra, I like how you pointed out how blood crazy christians are. They just cant get enough of it. I think the blood craze started over men being jealous of our menstual cycles. ;) lol

Krystalline Apostate said...

SNTC:
I think the blood craze started over men being jealous of our menstual cycles. ;) lol
That's pretty rich. I like it.
What's the reverse of penis envy? Hmmmm....

Stardust1954 said...

It may be my catholic upbring? But when I was a kid we stood in a dark bathroom looking at the mirra and repeated Bloody Mary three times as you turned around. And nothing... nothing... nothing is what we got. Lol

SNTC - There is a similar version that I did with my friends but we would say "I believe in Mary Worth" three times while turning around and then look in the mirror...yep...nuthin, nuthin, nuthin...(I was brought up German Lutheran--so gruesomely similar.)

say no to christ said...

Ra said: "What's the reverse of penis envy? Hmmmm...."

I think women who behave like men suffer penis envy, Ann Coulter comes to mind here. lol

My husband and I joke about womb envy all the time. When his testostone gets the best of him I just look at him and tell him he's just mad cuz he cant have babies or cant bleed for 5 days and not die.

I dont really think men want to have babies, but some of them do their damnest to try to control it, hence why all the hubbub over abortion. Their just mad cuz they cant have babies. ;) lol

say no to christ said...

Stardust said:"...(I was brought up German Lutheran--so gruesomely similar.)"

That and the Methodist as well. When I was 10 my family moved to SC and there arent many catholic churches there so my mom made us go to a methodist church. Only for a short while due to my sister, brother and myselfs hardcore protests. lol

Amy

Krystalline Apostate said...

Stardust:
but we would say "I believe in Mary Worth" three times while turning around and then look in the mirror
Mary Worth? The only Mary Worth I know of is that soap opera comic strip in some of the papers. Or am I thinking of someone/something else?
My folks were Protestant/Catholic. My ma was raised RC, went to church, communion, all that.
My pa, however was Protestant Penns. Dutch, swore like a sailor (he actually was, post WWII), & while he never spoke of the hereafter (or of god, or whatnot), we never felt the pressures of conforming to organized religion (or any religion, actually).
We were left to make our own decisions.

Stardust1954 said...

Mary Worth? The only Mary Worth I know of is

ra - I remember the Mary Worth comic strip and would read it all the time at my grandparents'place. Makes me nostalgic thinking about it.

From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Mary Worth may mean either:

* Mary Worth (comic), a soap opera comic strip whose chief character is called Mary Worth;
* An evil spirit also known as Bloody Mary.

Krystalline Apostate said...

stardust:
Bloody Mary? Mary, Queen of Scots? Oh wow.
I'd forgotten that particular bit of ghastly history.
I turn around, & find another bit of wrongdoing. Persecution.
One hopes it will end someday soon, & claim no more lives.