AM I FOR REAL? IS THIS THING FOR REAL? WHO IS THIS ‘ANONYMOUS’ PERSON, AND WHY SHOULD I CARE?

I was going through my bulk mail in my reluctantatheist account, and I received this delightful little romp in the field of fable (from anon@anon.com, no less).

I don’t often get religious mail. I don’t know whether to chalk this up to my lack of popularity (wah, wah, wah), or my (usual) politeness online, or maybe it’s just someone who stumbled across my website, www.reluctantatheist.com. I’ve noted this compulsion among the faithful: if you just read the bible, or are exposed to religion (some time ago, a poster told me, “I’m sorry you have such a bad attitude towards religion” and then submitted a weblink, as if I’ve not been around religion at all) or just listen and understand it the way they do, well, there’ll be a sudden light from on high (with an angelic choir chiming in), and I’ll be dazzled and suffused with comprehension, like you see on TV, movies, all that rot, and ‘Hallelujah! I see the light! I am HEE-ALED! Praise the Lord!’

These people really do live in a world all their own, don’t they?

Never let it be said, I won’t try anything once (twice is twice as nice, long as it’s pleasant). So I did as I was bid.

I shall Fisk this puppy.

Let us begin.

Want to prove that you are a real atheist?

No, not really. Only insecure people need to ‘prove’ anything.

If you are a real a real atheist, say this prayer out loud three times right now:
If God is not real, then these prayers will have no effect on you, but If God is real, they will. Remember, you have to say these out loud 3x each, in a row.

A real a real? As opposed to just ‘a real’? Do I get to use a pair of ruby slippers with this? Why 3? You a trinitarian, or what?

I bet you you will change once you says these prayers. Say them by yourself, you don't have to do it in front of anyone. If you are reading this when there is someone around, you can close it and print it out and say it then.

Oh jeez, thanks. Couldn’t have figured that out by myself. Lawsy, lawsy, I am SURROUNDED by other atheists. Has to be peer pressure, don’t it?

Say this WHOLE thing out loud 3x:

I heard you the first time.

HOLY SPIRIT, I RECEIVE YOU. PLEASE COME INTO MY HEART AND GUIDE ME.

Wow. Here I thought it was the brain that guided my responses. My bad.

OUR FATHER WHICH ART IN HEAVEN, HALLOWED BE THY NAME.

I’d say ‘Hollow’ would be more like it.

THY KINGDOM COME. THY WILL BE DONE, AS IN HEAVEN SO ON EARTH.

Yeah, well, we’ve been waiting some odd 2000 years now. Sure takin’ your sweet time, aintcha? Am I in the will? What do I get?

GIVE US DAY BY DAY OUR DAILY BREAD.

How odd. Everyone I know works for it.

AND FORGIVE US OUR SINS;

Yeah, according to your dogma, that’ll take forever, since they’re built in.

FOR WE ALSO FORGIVE EVERY ONE THAT IS INDEBTED TO US.

Hey, speak for yourself.

AND LEAD US NOT INTO TEMPTATION; BUT DELIVER US FROM EVIL.

Why are we even tempted? Deliver? It’s Digiorno.

FOR THINE IS THE KINGDOM AND THE POWER AND THE GLORY FOREVER.

What, I don’t get to inherit? What a rip-off. You gonna read the will anytime soon?

IN THE NAME OF JESUS CHRIST,

Who never existed.

AMEN

Ramen. Oops.

Then say this out loud 3x:

There’s no place like home, there’s no place like…I’m sorry, what are we doing now?

SPEAK OUTLOUD

I am.

SATAN, IN THE NAME OF JESUS, I COMMAND YOU TO LEAVE MY MIND, BODY,
LIFE, AND SOUL TODAY IN THE NAME OF JESUS!

Something left my body this morning, but it was real.

YOU HAVE NO DOMINION OVER MY LIFE!

None of these cats do.

I SUBMIT MY BODY, LIFE, AND SOUL TO GOD, IN THE NAME OF JESUS!

Say what? Immigration carted him off yesterday.

THE BLOOD OF JESUS! THE BLOOD OF JESUS! THE BLOOD OF JESUS AGAINST YOU SATAN!

Ooooh-kay.

I APPLY THE BLOOD OF JESUS OVER MY LIFE!

Things are getting kinda messy here.

I APPLY THE BLOOD OF JESUS OVER WHERE I LIVE AT!

Hmmm…why is the floor all sticky?

I APPLY THE BLOOD OF JESUS OVER MY FAMILY!

I doubt they’d appreciate that in the least.

I DO IT ALL IN THE NAME OF JESUS

You go right ahead, and send me a postcard telling me how everything worked out.

THE BLOOD OF JESUS! THE BLOOD OF JESUS! THE BLOOD OF JESUS AGAINST YOU
SATAN!

Yeesh, you bloodthirsty enough? I’m betting we’ll be reading about you in the newspapers purty durn soon, what with all your bellowing about blood.

IN JESUS NAME I CALL IT DONE! AMEN AND AMEN!
IN JESUS CHRIST'S HOLY NAME I PRAY, AMEN!

Is it me, or is this a kabalistic formula of some sort?

DO NOT DELETE THIS EMAIL UNTIL YOU HAVE DONE THIS.

If you say so.

AFTER YOU HAVE CHANGED, PASS THIS ON TO YOUR FELLOW NON-BELIEVERS IN
CHRIST.

Well, reading comprehension is apparently not your forte. If I’ve changed (I did: I got outta my pajamas this morning), then they wouldn’t be my ‘fellow non-believers’ anymore, now would they?

ONCE AGAIN, IF YOU WANT TO PROVE THAT YOU ARE A REAL JEW, FOLLOW THESE
INSTRUCTIONS.

Huh? I thought this was a real atheist test.

If you have the nerve to believe that there is no CHRIST, then you should have the NERVE to prove it! By chickening out and not doing this test, you show that you may have something to be afraid of. This email was not sent to you to annoy you, but to help.

-YOUR FRIEND,

ANONYMOUS

[END EMAIL]

By ‘chickening out’? How old is this clown? Shoulda sent a .wav file with the sound ‘Ba-BOCK’ on it. I’ve been accused of a lot of things in this life, but a lack of nerve’s never been one of them.


Well, dear readers, I did indeed follow these instructions to the letter. And glory hallelujah! I DID feel something.
Turned out to be gas. Followed by…well, never mind, you don’t need to know ALL the details.

Not only do I have the ‘nerve’ to believe that there is no CHRIST, I can prove that there never was.

I wish these people would just ‘give up the ghost’ so to speak. Why has He forsaken us? Easy answer:NEVER WAS.