ALLEGORIES GONE WILD: OF FANTASIES, FLATTENED EARTHS AND MENTAL FLATULENCE

Here’s a real doozie for you folks: the earth is flat, the bible proves it, and we all KNOW the bible is the final say in all things of this pancaked terra firma.

I wish this was all satire – but upon subsequent delvings into this nutter’s website, it’s readily apparent that he believes his blathering, far as I can tell.

He starts out with this startling bit of ‘evidence’:

"The world also is stablished that it cannot be moved." Psalm 93:1 "He...hangeth the Earth upon nothing." Job 26:7
Levitating Globe
"An electromagnet and computerized sensor hidden in its display stand cause the Earth to levitate motionlessly in the air."

Sorry, sport, but unless that model miniature contains an actual microcosm, replete with oceans, tides, civilizations, tectonic plates, etc., this is a ridiculous example. Besides which, the freakin’ thing is ROUND. Do it with a flat replica of earth, or get outta town.

“Today’s cosmology fulfills an anti-Bible religious plan disguised as "science".
The whole scheme from Copernicanism to Big Bangism is a factless lie.
Those lies have planted the Truth-killing virus of evolutionism in every aspect of man’s "knowledge" about the Universe, the Earth, and Himself.”

Oy gevalt, where do I begin with this? I feel an appeal to ridicule coming on in 3…2…1 lift-off.

First off, this Marshall Hall lists his credentials as follows: (Marshall Hall, BS. MA + 2 years: Advanced International Studies Ph.D. Program) and is president of The Fair Education Foundation, Inc. (strangely enough, this is the only website that lists this Foundation, go figure: he's not only the president, he's also a member!)

So he’s a Magister Artium (Master of Arts) in some vague esoterica that doesn’t even seem to have any relation to the topic (hey, if he had a bachelor’s in astronomy, or an MA in Physics, I’d lend a little more credence to these claims, but only a little: crazy is as crazy does). The big ‘conspiracy’ theory is just…well, I get a little sick of these folks accusing us big ole mean secularists of plotting the disintegration of society. Darwin came to his conclusions independantly of religion (he was a Paley fan, wouldn’t ya know it?), while half a world away, Russel came up with much the same conclusions. Its called evidence, you yahoos, and we get more of it every single day. Oh, wait, its been planted by all these evil people…ah, never mind.

He continues with this folderol:

”Indeed, the diligent reader will be astonished at the level of demonstrable hi-tech fraud, baseless assumptions, occult mathematics, etc.,--all part of a religious conspiracy!--that has been at work over many centuries implanting the incredible evolution myth about the origin of the Universe, the Earth, and Mankind.
On this web page the Bible is not used to prove anything scientific. Instead, the scientific facts--along with historical and religious facts-- prove the Bible to be precisely what it claims to be, namely, the infallible Word of God.”

Oh, joy, another inerrantist. Even having a debate with this clown is equivalent to discussing the theorem of non-locality with a chimp. (I’d apologize to inerrantists everywhere, however, the bible’s anything but inerrant, and any denial of that – well, let’s skip that for now).

Then, as we progress further into this subjective stream-of-consciousness blather (and I’m being kind here), Mr. Hall is drawing parallels between the Kabbalah and quantum physics, somehow taking some quote-mining here and there, and calling Einstein a Kabalist, and tries to equate Superstring theory with it.

He also tries to puncture the theory of gravity in a dizzyingly stupid effort here:

“ When the mysteries and the facts are brought together to try to explain why there is a precise slot in the sky at 22,236 miles altitude where these satellites appear to be stationary overhead at all times (unless moved a little by ground control in an east or west direction), the resolution invariably comes down to the more fundamental question of whether the earth is rotating or not.

Whoa, hold on there, Nellie! Stationary overhead at all times? Note the little aside about being ‘moved by ground control’ (Yo, Major Tom! You listening, or what?). Yeah, let’s forget about the Sun and the Moon going from horizon to horizon, which is visible to anyone who isn’t blind.

Since that question has long been considered settled—and especially since Einstein’s relativity rescued Copernicanism from 20 years of deep trouble it was in—little thought if any is given to whether these satellites rotate geosynchronously with a rotating earth below. There they are right in the same spot any time you look. That is an observable fact. And we all know, don’t we, that the earth rotates; so, there can be only one conclusion, namely, the satellite revolves with it, right?

Ummm…despite proof there are such things as asynchronous rotations? Gee whiz, what about all those pictures we get from space, from manned and umanned satellites? Oh, riiigghhtt…’ground control’ is manipulating our minds with all this info. How stupid of me not to get that!
Wait…I’m puzzled. Didn’t Copernicus pre-date evolution by a few centuries?

“Wrong! The only fact in that concept is that the satellite is always overhead. We know this is a fact—a scientific truth--because we can see it.

I’m really wondering if this clown lives on the same planet I do.

The rotating earth concept, however, is based entirely on assumptions which not only have never been observed by anyone who has ever lived, but which flatly contradict that which has always been observed by everyone who has ever lived. (Go HERE for a list of seven assumptions which are upholding a rotating, orbiting earth…and HERE for photographic evidence we can all see that tell us that the earth is stationary with everything going around every day…unless, again, we assume what we can’t see and do not know, i.e., a rotating earth…and then call that assumption “science”.)

Never been observed? Tell that to Eratosthenes, Magellan (why didn’t he just sail off the edge?), Einstein or even Buzz Armstrong. While you’re at it, discuss it with Hawkings, why dontcha? Oh, wait: they were all in on the ‘conspiracy’ too.

This is particularly funny, as it shows a number of photographs suitably altered (or, barring that, a specious effort at claiming light particles are actually stars) to reinforce this melodramatic trash.

Here is a mish-mash of biblical passages, which are supposed to bolster johnny brainfarts’ wild speculations.

Here is his conspiracy theory that the Mars missions were all efforts at brainwashing.

Here is his ‘evidence’ that evolution somehow (and this loses me, folks, it really does) violates…drum roll please…The First Amendment.

And, what a surprise, this yahoo is a Young Earther! Imagine that.

And of course, he lays his wild theories at the feet of scientists as well (those who can be quoted out of context to support him, of course). Please note the link provided is very sparse in regards to listing any sources whatsoever, outside of the occasional nebulous ‘so and so wrote a paper in [date]’.

I really, really wish I could send a telegraph or message back into the depths of history, to the ancient Greeks, and tell them (nay, PLEAD with them!):

MESSAGE FROM TWENTY-FIRST CENTURY. STOP. DON’T INVENT ALLEGORY. STOP. YOU’RE JUST GOING TO MAKE EVERYONE’S LIVES A LITTLE MESSIER. STOP. DON’T DO IT. STOP.

Hell, just STOP.

Too late, I know. Oh well.

Till the next post, then.