left biblioblography: RED, WHITE AND SCREWED – DEFINITELY A MUST-SEE

Monday, December 18, 2006

RED, WHITE AND SCREWED – DEFINITELY A MUST-SEE

I personally think that Lewis Black beats out Larry the Cable Guy (who, according to 60 Minutes, is the King of Comedy) by a country mile (I do find the Cable Guy funny, but for side-splitting laughter and exhausted smile muscles, my money’s on Black).

In his ‘Red, White and Screwed’ HBO special, he does a few great rants, one of which was on my favorite topic, evolution.

I’ve transcribed it here, for the benefit of any readers who are still using a dial-up connection.




“I should’ve known earlier, about President Bush, but I gave him some rope. A lotta rope, & then he hung all of us with it. I should have known, when I heard him say ‘When it comes to evolution, the jury’s still out.’
What jury, where? The Scopes trial is over. I never thought, during the course of my life, that a president who didn’t believe in evolution would be elected, or at least in the ball park, thought, ummmmm, MAYBE IT’S GOT SOME MERIT. But NO! He believes the earth was created, in seven days. Hoo! Takes my breath away.
And why does he believe that? Because he read it in the Old Testament, which is the book, of my people. The Jewish people. And that book…wasn’t good enough…for you Christians. Was it? No, we’ve got a BETTER book, with ANOTHER character, you’re gonna LOVE HIM! And you called your book NEW, and said OUR book was OLD!
And yet, every Sunday, I turn on the television set. And there’s a priest, or a pastor, reading from mah book. And interpreting it. And, their interpretations, I have to tell you, are usually wrong. It’s not their fault, because it’s not their book.
You never see a rabbi on TV interpreting the New Testament, dooo yew?
If you want, to truly understand, the Old Testament, if there is something you don’t quite get, there are Jooos who walk among yew. And THEY, I promise you this, will take time out their VERY jewy, JEWY day, and interpret for you anything you have trouble understanding, and we will do that, of course, if the price is right.
Was…the earth created in seven days? No. For those of you who believe it was, for you Christians, let me tell you, then you do not understand the Jewish people. We Jews understand that it did not take place in seven days, and that’s because we know what we’re good at, and what we’re really good at, is bullshit.
This is a wonderful story, that was told to the people in the desert, in order to distract them from the fact that they did not have air conditioning.
I would LOVE to have the FAITH, to believe that it took place in seven days, but I have thoughts. And that can really fuck up the faith thing. Just ask any catholic priest. And then, there are fossils. Whenever anyone tries to tell me, that they believe it took place in seven days, I reach for a fossil, and go, ‘Fossil’. And if they keep talking, I throw it just over their head.
There are people, who believe, that dinosaurs and men, lived together. That they roamed the earth at the same time. There are museums that children go to, in which they build dioramas, to show them this. And what this is, purely and simply, is a clinical, psychotic reaction. They are crazy. They are stone, cold, fuck, nuts. I can’t be kind about this. Because these people are watching the Flintstones as if it were a documentary.
The first time, uh, that I ever talked about this was in Georgia. That’s, that’s what we call a comic faux pas. Gentleman came up to me, wanted to talk about it, umm, it was at this point in time that I realized that this is where we have our problem. This is a big problem in this country. He had his set of beliefs, and I had mine. It makes it tough, because evolution is a major thread in the larger tapestry that I like to call (yells) REALITY!!!
He said, “Louis, fossils are the handiwork of the devil.” (Looks at camera cross-eyed)
I had to remind myself to breathe. I’d been tasered by the concept of the DEVIL! Something I did not quite understand, apparently the devil is like Wily Coyote, only he is evil, and he has a factory, where he makes…fossils. And he sends his minions to scatter them across the earth every day in order to confuse my tiny, Joooish brain.”

Rent it, buy it, or, if you overhear this dialogue, knock on your neighbors door and ask if you can watch it with them.

Seriously.

Enjoy.

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8 comments:

HairlessMonkeyDK said...

Ah, thankee for the Black.

By the way,
google "driftglass" and read his blog, if you haven't already.
He's one of the best.

beepbeepitsme said...

Thanks for sharing. That is pretty funny. And it is so true, many of us are totally stunned by what some christians say. I must remember to continue to breathe lol.

remy said...

Black vs. Cable Guy? Agree whole hoggedly(sp). It's rural vs. urban. To be fair I haven't seen much of Cable Guy but Black is more about intelligence; Cable is lowest common D.

I get a religious channel up here in Canukistan and there are frequently programs dealing with dinosaurs and men living together. In fact one claimed that they were on the ark together!

Thanks for the clip.

Krystalline Apostate said...

HMDK:
By the way,
google "driftglass" and read his blog, if you haven't already.

Thx for the tip.
BBIM:
I must remember to continue to breathe lol.
When I do remember to breathe, it's hard to talk w/my 'inside voice'.
remy:
To be fair I haven't seen much of Cable Guy but Black is more about intelligence; Cable is lowest common D.
Larry is pretty funny for a 'hee-haw' kinda guy. I rather enjoy his take on 'politically correct fairy tales'.
I get a religious channel up here in Canukistan and there are frequently programs dealing with dinosaurs and men living together. In fact one claimed that they were on the ark together!
Hmmm...maybe you should go on the offensive? Email & call 'n bother them?
I remember when that guy programmed his PC to call Falwell's org every 2 minutes. JF lost a bunch o' money.
Of course, the perpetrator got in some trouble, I think.

karen said...

KA
Thanks! I love you for printing the transcription. Would not have wanted to miss that! Still LOL!
I love Lewis Black. Larry TCG is no competition at all. A few low-brow yucks now and then, but given a choice Id take Black every time. I think I'd take Elmo and BigBird over Larry.

I missed the special and the replay. I hope they rerun it again soon.

Krystalline Apostate said...

karen:
Thanks! I love you for printing the transcription. Would not have wanted to miss that! Still LOL!
I knew you only have dial-up, which is why I did it.
I wonder if beep does it like this as well? Just listen to the video & type, or is there some S/W that'll do it for ya?
I love Lewis Black. Larry TCG is no competition at all.
Well, LTCG is a little bit of all right, but I'd have to be in the mood for him. I'm ALWAYS up for Lewis though: even transcribing the video, I just kept LAUGHING, even tho I'd already heard the entire routine.
I missed the special and the replay. I hope they rerun it again soon.
Do you do the Netflix thing? For 6 bucks a month, you get as many dvd's as the post office can deliver (you have to return the 1 you have, of course). Pretty cool.

vjack said...

Black is great. Do you really think Larry the Cable Guy is funny? I can't stand that guy! I'll take Black's intelligent humor over than moron any day.

Krystalline Apostate said...

vjack:
Black is great. Do you really think Larry the Cable Guy is funny? I can't stand that guy! I'll take Black's intelligent humor over than moron any day.
Honestly? He has his moments. I'd not get a DVD/video w/him on it. LTCG is a last resort, when the toss up is between him & watching the Jerry Springer show.
He's vastly overrated - but in the 60 Minutes segment, they were showing a segment from the 'Blue Collar' show, & Larry's talking, & some woman yelled, "I LOVE YOU, LARRY," to which he replied, "I told you to wait in the truck!"
It is about subjective taste: for instance, I absolutely LOVED Sam Kinison, but couldn't muster the slightest giggle at AD Clay.