Allegories Gone Wild - Happy Zombie Day!

⁵¹ At that moment the curtain of the temple was torn in two from top to bottom. The earth shook, the rocks split ⁵² and the tombs broke open. The bodies of many holy people who had died were raised to life. ⁵³ They came out of the tombs after Jesus’ resurrection and went into the holy city and appeared to many people.  -  Matthew 27

“Sweet zombie Jesus!” – Hubert J. Farnsworth, Futurama

“Jesus is not a zombie!” - Special Agent Seeley Booth, Bones

Yes boys and girls, ladies and gentlemen, meine damen und herren, it’s that bizarre time of year again, when the hopeless romantics (and even more hopelessly superstitious) celebrate and embody (pun intended) their thanatophobia by praising an event that by all accounts never happened. Not once.  Much of this can be found here,

I recall a lecture I attended some years ago by Richard Carrier, where he pointed out that in ancient Rome, it was a federal offense to rob graveyards, regardless of what culture it occurred in. In fact, it was a capital offense. And yet, oddly, no furor was raised, no task forces dispatched. Sure, it’s an argument from silence, but it’s a pretty powerful one.  Seeing as how the Jews took great care and reverence in preparing the deceased, a Jewish grave robbed was likely a huge event – which very easily could’ve sparked a huge riot, both then as well as now.

Really? The entire tale, read objectively, reads like some badly written crazy-ass hallucinogenic fantasy. Don’t even get me started on the inability of four people (who all ‘saw’ the same things) to tell the same tale.

It’s a zombie story. And by ‘zombie’, I mean “the body of a dead person given the semblance of life, but mute and will-less, by a supernatural force, usually for some evil purpose.”

This fascination with the dead coming back to life is understandable. More than a little morbid, too. Who enjoys the loss of a loved one? What wouldn’t any of us give to have those people back? A lot. But my wants and needs won’t circumvent reality. It’s a messed up system, more proof the universe gives neither jot nor tittle if we breathe or hurt or gasp or fuck someone. All the more reason we should take care of each other, not less.

We’ve had legends of zombies dating back as far as ancient Greece (remember Cadmus and the Dragon’s teeth?), Mesopotamia, Sumeria, etc. A zombie by any other name still falls under the definition as given above.

It’s a popular and pervasive meme. I can’t count how many zombie movies I’ve seen (though I haven’t tried yet) – and zombies are almost as ubiquitous as any religious fantasy.

So, for the braver among you – tomorrow (or today, it’s 11:28 PM PDT where I am), if someone says, “Happy Easter” or “Happy Bunny Day!”, respond with “Happy Zombie Day!” And come back and tell us (brief synopsis as possible) how that went exactly. Just stay out of harm’s way (if for instance you were to holler this at say, this bunch, that would likely be highly inadvisable), be sensible and safe with it. Oh, and try not to laugh at their umbrage. It’s tough (I can get away with it), but try to make them think if you can.

Till the next post then.